Managing Emotions vs. Controlling Emotions

DEFINITIONS

Managing Your Emotions - Being aware of your emotions and letting them happen. Understanding where they come from and what they mean. "Getting" the message they are sending. Knowing that you have a choice in how you respond to them.

Controlling Your Emotions - Shutting down when you're feeling an emotion. Not letting it surface. Stuffing it down. Not getting the message it's trying to give you. Faking it. Forcing yourself not to feel what you're feeling. Denying what you're feeling.

COMPARISONS

Being in touch with your emotions vs. Being out of touch with your emotions

Experiencing your emotions and deciding what you will do with this information vs. Shutting down the emotion, or reacting to it in a knee jerk fashion

Allowing all your emotions as valid sources of information vs. Being willing to allow only certain emotions you consider proper

EXAMPLE

Managing Your Emotions - As John James sat in the meeting, he realized his pulse was racing, his jaw was clamped, and his knee was bouncing up and down. When he examined the source, he realized that his manager was once again belittling the staff and claiming credit for what others had done and this was making him angry. He decided to quit pretending things were going to change, and to get his resume ready.

Controlling Your Emotions - Mary's husband demeaned her again and then struck her in the face. She told herself he was a good man and couldn't help doing that, and that it didn't really hurt. She “knew” there was nothing she could do about it, so she ignored her blinding headache and cramping stomach, and went on about her housework.

KEY POINT

When you manage your emotions, you can 'get' the important information they are bringing to you, and then decide whether to respond, and if so, how, when and where.

BENEFITS

When you can manage your emotions and develop your emotional intelligence, your life will work better.

RELATED DISTINCTIONS

Pulling gently on the bit vs. Whipping the horse and using spurs

Driving the car vs. Riding the gas pedal and brake

Leading the elephant out of the living roomvand back where it belongs vs. Pretending the elephant in the living room isn't there