Reader Q&A

About every couple of months I answer readers' relationship questions. I try to answer questions in such a way as to both serve the person asking the question, while also sharing with all readers some relationship truth or principle I see as the underlying question. This month I am also adding a new highlight to the Q&A. The "Featured Question" can now be found at the end of the Q&A, and is picked because of its broad appeal. This question will get a much more in-depth response.

Q. I am 23 and have been dating a guy for 2 years. Everything is fine except that my boyfriend is very possessive, suspicious and jealous. This type of behavior is killing me. I have openly discussed it with him but he says it's because he loves me too much. This puts me off. If you could please help…
~Rose

A. Dear Rose,
I am not surprised your boyfriend's possessiveness and jealousy is putting you off and making you feel stifled. I think you already know this behavior has nothing to do with how much he loves you, but has to do with his fear of being hurt, abandoned, perhaps being cheated on. I am going to assume you have not done anything to make him feel more insecure than he already is, which means how he feels has nothing to do with you. The bad news is that you cannot do anything to make him stop being possessive, suspicious and jealous. The good news is that you don't have to take it personally. The better news is that you don't need to try to make him feel better, because you can't - he will likely have these feelings for a long time, in any relationship he is in. So go about your life, doing what you need to do and stop accommodating his feelings. This is your only hope of helping him ever get over them.
~Your Relationship Coach

Q. I really like this girl and I think she likes me. The problem is that she is dating someone. The bigger problem is that she is dating my friend. What do I do?
~Tommy

A. Dear Tommy,
As I see it, you have two choices - let the girl know you like her, but lose the friendship with your friend. Or, keep the friendship and go find another girl to focus on. It all depends on how important the friendship is to you.
~Your Relationship Coach

Q. Can you offer any insight into achieving intimacy, openness and honesty in a relationship without hurting the other person? I see anger as the root of most intimacy problems.
~Krista

A. Dear Krista,
You are right. Unresolved anger turned into resentment is the root of most intimacy problems. Resolving anger and resentments when they arise, as they will occasionally in any relationship, is the surest path to intimacy, openness and honesty. However, it's almost impossible not to hurt the other person, in any relationship. The truth is, you will hurt your partner - sometimes unintentionally and sometimes even intentionally. Hurting each other occasionally does not have to mean the end of the relationship. It is what the two of you do with the hurt that matters. In an open, intimate relationship the two people
will talk about their anger and hurt, and learn to listen to each other in such a way that the negative emotions will get worked through.
~Your Relationship Coach

Q. I have lived with a man for a year-and-a-half, and I'm really not sure if he's the one for me. My issue is this: Ralph wants to do, literally, everything I do, and everything together. He wants to wake up together in the morning, shower together, leave for work together, spend all of our evenings together, and go to bed at the same time. I feel like he's infringing on my individuality, and I feel like he's clinging to me in an unhealthy way. I've given up my morning exercise routine because it bothered him that we didn't spend mornings together. I'm a writer and I like to do some writing in the mornings...I really enjoy waking early and having some time to myself. Because I wake up early, he wants to wake up early too. When he does this I feel like he's a little puppy dog who just needs to follow me around all day and do everything I do. If I say I don't WANT him to do that he feels rejected, and as if something is wrong because I don't want him there all the time.

It's not that I don't want to do anything together. We're taking a painting class together one night a week, and it's very enjoyable and fun to share this time together. We have dinner together every night, which I also love. On the other hand, I also wonder if I'm making up this story about his lack of independence...and perhaps I'm not allowing myself to "be" with a man. I wonder sometimes if he's "good enough," and then I feel guilty that I'm such a "snob."

I have anger that bubbles up around these issues all the time. What do I do?
~Jane

A. Dear Jane,
People in relationships need time apart and need their own lives in order for the relationship to work. So I am wondering why you have been willing to give this part of yourself up, giving up your time alone, your exercise, your writing, instead of allowing your partner to deal with his feeling of rejection? After all, you know you are not rejecting him when you want some space and time - you are taking care of yourself. If this brings up feelings of rejection for him, you can gently help him deal with the feelings, instead of trying to fix the situation so that he does not feel rejected. I suggest you try taking care of yourself and then help him deal with his emotions as they come up, by listening and being understanding, but not giving up yourself again. I think this will change how you feel about him.
~Your Relationship Coach

Q. I've been with my boyfriend for over 9 months now. We were engaged and broke off the engagement on the grounds that it was just too soon for the both of us. Lately I've been feeling like he's lost interest in me. He spends most of his time on the computer or asleep and we hardly ever speak to each other. He's very snippy and when we do speak, one of us always gets angry or we start an argument. I'm beginning to stop loving him, and I'm not sure how to bring up any conversation about this without starting an argument. He always says that I'm putting words in his mouth or what I'm saying is a lie, when I know it isn't. Even our close friends have realized that our relationship is falling apart. Should I try to discuss this with him or should I decide to end things and see if that is for the better?
~Anonymous

A. Dear Anonymous,
I think it is always better to try to talk things out with your partner. How about you try to talk to him about what is going on between the two of you and try to listen when he responds. Most of all, refuse to get into an argument with him. Arguing is often one way to avoid dealing with the real issues, so if you refuse to be pulled into an argument, you might just have a chance to get to the truth.
~Your Relationship Coach

**Featured Question**
Q: I'm just at the point of bringing a new email "relationship" to the next level of an actual date. Any tips on making our first encounter work? Or tips in general?
~Anonymous

A. Dear Anonymous,
I would like to offer you some tips for meeting people online and then dating them. Specifically, it is important to remember that meeting someone online is different than meeting people during the course of everyday life. Therefore, relationships formed online need special handling while you get to know each other.

1. If you meet someone online and either feel chemistry or think there may be a potential, set up an in-person meeting.

I suggest you do this sooner rather than later, as soon as possible in fact. You want to really meet the person and perhaps form a relationship with him or her, and not form a relationship with his or her online persona only. No matter how honest and forthright a person is, you cannot fully experience someone while solely interacting online - you only get a one-dimensional take. Too many times I have seen people falling in love online or by email, only to meet and find out they are not very compatible.

2. Have low expectations and see if you can be detached from the outcome of the first meeting.

It is stressful to meet someone new, even more stressful if you have gotten to know each other in the artificial environment of online dating. Don't add to either of your discomfort by having huge expectations about how things will turn out. See if you can allow for chemistry, perhaps a relationship. But if not, allow for friendship or some other significant connection.

3. Stay safe during the meeting.

This almost goes without saying, but I will say it anyway. Meet this new person in a well-populated public place only, and remain in the public place for the entire date. If there are more dates with this person, meet in public place until the two of you really get to know each other. And while you are out on these dates, have your cell phone with you, have a back up plan to take care of yourself and let a close friend or family member know where you are and who you are with.

4. If you meet online first, then meet in person and like each other, you still need plenty of time to establish the relationship.

When everything goes right and the person you met online turns out to be just the person you like/want/are attracted to, still take time to get to know each other in everyday, real life. As far as I can tell from coaching hundreds of singles, the biggest predictor of a successful relationship is the amount of time a couple takes to get to know each other, in person. In other words, if you take three months of real life dating to get to know each other, you are more likely to have a successful relationship than if you got to know each other mostly online, or if you jumped into a relationship quickly.

5. Do not get physically intimate until you know each other in real life.

To follow up on the above, the second biggest predictor of a successful relationship, as far as I can see, is establishing intimacy slowly. Really, there is nothing wrong with sex between consenting adults, except that it creates a false sense of intimacy. Once you sleep with someone, you will often feel close and endearing toward each other. You will tend to overlook incompatibilities, which may otherwise make this relationship a "no go." Unfortunately, this sense of intimacy will last at the outmost for about 3 months, at which point all things you could not see or refused to see in the beginning will reveal themselves. It's better to see things as they are at the start and have a choice about whether or not to go forward with the relationship.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"