Four Things Every Wife Needs

1. A husband must prefer his wife over everything else. His preferences are reflected in the choices he makes especially those favoring his involvement in family life. This is what shapes the critical emotional difference for men and almost all women. It can be as simple as his turning off the ball game or television program to be with you, or with the children. It is his sitting down to meals with you and the family, not texting or talking on the phone while dining and giving you the attention you need thereby telling you, you are preferred. The choices he makes to favor you can result in the greatest accumulated good or their lack can result in the greatest accumulated harm to your marriage. To be preferred over everything else, by his choice alone, implies to you his devoted commitment to the home and his willingness to be joined together with you in family life. After all, you did get married to be together and not to live as singles. Men often forget this truth and act as though they are doing their wives a big favor to be considerate and polite to them. Sometimes husbands act as though they deserve 'payback' when all they are doing, is in fact, nothing more than upholding their end of the marriage vow . They forget they have made a sacred promise before the Face of God. This vow is a man's most solemn pledge and word, his very honor, a Holy oath. Husbands most certainly do not deserve 'payback' for doing what they have pledged themselves to do. In short being a man of his word tests your husband’s character and does not require a scoreboard to track its employ. He is either a man of his word or he is not a man of his word.
     
Preferring your wife over all things also means that you will put her ahead of your parents and family. You take her side, your cover over her shortcomings, you recognize you are her husband and you act in every situation like this is the case. Many men fail to understand that when they put their wife first, before all else, they will have a more loving, and profoundly more adult and satisfying relationship with the one to whom they are wed. The good news is, preferring you wife make life simpler: you no longer have to focus on pleasing everyone, because you only have to please one person, your wife.

2. Husbands must know their wives intimately. Beyond sexuality, intimacy involves a husband deeply knowing his wife. It’s his knowing what makes her tick. In fact, most wives want this to be the case. They want to be known by their husbands. So, good advice for wives in general is for them to keep ever present in their minds that they need to help their husbands to know them! Help him to know you as a unique person and to know your ‘wiring’ as a woman. The kiss of death for marital  intimacy is for him to criticize you in any of these areas. This is who you are as a person; and, who you are - is she, whom he married. Interestingly, intimacy isn’t important only for women; it’s also important  for men.
     
Flowing out from the deep knowledge which true intimacy provides is the challenge each partner faces to accept each other as being exactly who they are.  When you marry, you marry the person 'just as they are'. You should not marry the person you fantasize your partner is in process of becoming. He or she should have already arrived – and not be in transit. You each should face God as a completed person fully wonderful in the sight of each other, not a 'diamond in the rough' which still needs polishing or a 'work in progress' needing completion. Sure, there is room for growth after the ceremony, this is the 'icing on the cake'; but, the cake should be fully formed when you marry. Full disclosure is a must before marriage and transparency is a must as the years go by. You are no longer you, in your unity in God, the 'you' have been transformed into, an 'us'. Willing transparency opens the path to good communication in marriage and deepens your intimacy as does nothing else.

3. Husbands must be  good providers for their family – we are taught that a man who will not provide for his family is worse than an infidel. Many husbands incorrectly think they have this base covered never once realizing that being a good provider not only includes the financial and material areas of life, but also includes the emotional and spiritual areas of family living as well. A husband who thinks this way has reduced his value as a spouse to being nothing more than a paycheck.  Such a view leads to harmful statements like, 'I have my money, you have your money' or jokingly saying, 'I earn it and she spends it.'

A husband needs to understand provision from the wife’s perspective, not just his own perspective. For example, he may say, ‘look at what I provide for you - your home, your car etc., not catching on that his wife is looking at the baby’s scooter which he has neglected to repair or the fence which is falling down. Provision is proactively paying attention to these kinds of details. Sometimes, provision can even mean reducing abundance, sounds odd doesn’t it? Provision can mean insisting to live within your means, saying no to debt, refusing to 'live large', which actually translates into living 'hand to mouth'. This can be considered provision as well.
One area of provision neglected most of the time by husbands is providing a sound spiritual, ethical and moral example for their families. Husbands should be the spiritual leaders in their families. They should lead in prayer. They should lead in worship at home and in church. In a good marriage a wife looks to the husband to take leadership in these areas.

The word 'provide' can be understood in this way, ‘pro’ means toward or in the direction of; the word ‘vida’ means life – hence provision, in this example, means doing the things needful to move in the direction of promoting the well being of family life. In a way, provision connects to intimacy. The level of intimacy one has with his spouse helps him to 'provide' the things she actually needs; and, the level of intimacy she has with her husband helps her to understand his sincerity and level of selfless effort he exerts in providing these things. Obviously, it’s not enough to just be a financial provider. Nor is it enough to mainly provide emotional support and not consider the material needs of the family. Either approach is unbalanced, destructive and; more often than not, a shipwrecked marriage. Instead, respect and soul deep satisfaction is the natural result of attentiveness to providing for family needs in a balanced manner.  If you’re better connected spiritually and emotionally, you will be a better provider, not only financially, but in most other ways as well.

4. Husbands need to protect their wives – wives need to feel secure. They need to feel protected, not only from physical danger but also from emotional danger. Wives need to feel that their overall personal safety and the well being of the family is a major concern of their husbands. This means that husbands must become aware of the things that cause fear and dread in wives. So, once more we turn to intimacy in this discussion. It is your shared intimacy which teaches your husband the types of things you fear or worry over. His job is to pay attention the woman’s stated concerns, recognizing them and realizing they are very real to.
     
Wives need to know he will face all opponents - strangers, friends; and if necessary, even family members in their defense. They need be confident he will take action even if he personally suffers as a result. Women have always been on the short end of the ‘emotional needs protection stick'. While wives usually feel protected from physical harm they usually do not feel protected on an emotional level. It is, sadly, often the case that that their own husbands loom up before them either as bullies or emotional threats. Wives often feel 'patronized' when expressing their fears or that their deepest needs are not valid in their husbands opinion. Can it be possible for a wife to feel safe and secure in her home when she lives under conditions such as these? Clearly, it is not possible. Often wives feel abandoned and vulnerable when husbands prefer other things to the detriment of  their family. It is a simple matter for husbands to be aware of this and to be sensitive to her concerns, listening to her when she expresses them verbally and realizing she trusts him to love her enough to take appropriate action.

Deep satisfying love and cannot earned, bullied or nagged into existence. The fact is you can’t just ‘do love’. Love is an 'emotion' which is produced as a result of, as a by-product of, behavior. Love is not raw passion like one sees on the movie screen either. What movies portray is emotionalized sex – not love.

The key to knowing when work needs to be done in your marriage is when the terms 'nagging' or 'complaining' comes up in conversation. When either partner uses these words or hears these words from their spouse it should be their signal to consider the steps just discussed. Review them, if only in your head, and you will find a good correction for the problem.

Women 'feel loved' when these 4 things are in place and experienced. A great marriage requires manners and consideration from both partners. Husband, you have to hold yourself responsible for your own actions. As you go over these simple steps evaluate how well you are doing in each area, ask yourself, ‘How can I do better?’ Then do it. You will be amazed how quickly the mood in you home improves and how deeply your wife feels loved – you'll also be amazed at how deeply you feel 'in love' with your wife. So, it's worth the effort to pay attention to these things and the outworked reward of so doing is truly wonderful.
For marriage counseling and family counseling services contact www.dayspringcenter.com or call 214 893-4567.