Small Business Q & A: There Are No Dumb Business Questions, Not!

Q: I'm curious. What is the dumbest business question you've ever
been asked?
-- Norris W.

A: Shame on you, Norris. There is no such thing as a dumb business
question. OK, that's not exactly true. There are dumb business
questions and I do get quite a few of them. Not through this column,
of course. People intelligent enough to actually use a computer and
surf the World Wide Web would never submit dumb questions now, would
they. OK, that's a lie, too. I've gotten a few head-scratchers
in response to this column. You know who you are, but don't worry,
your secret is safe with me.

I have a confession to make. Writing an advice column, whether
it be advice for love or money or business, is often hard to do
with a straight face. Occasionally a question comes over the
digital transom that just makes me go, "Huh?"

It's kind of like trying to stifle a giggle when Grandma breaks
wind at Sunday dinner. Some things are just better left ignored.

Of course it's hard to blame a dumb business question on the dog.

I've been writing advice columns for a long time. Most of the requests
for advice I receive are sincere and intelligent, and as a (usually)
sincere and (somewhat) intelligent columnist, I feel obligated to
dispense the best advice I can for the betterment of the person
who asked the question.

However, once in a while a real stinker hits the old email box
and it takes everything I've got to resist shooting back an answer
that is worthy of the question asked.

In other words, when I get a dumb question, my gut reaction is to
respond with an answer of equal intelligence, or the lack thereof.
Something subtle, like, "Forget business, my friend. The best
thing you can do for mankind is to go find a pair of sharp scissors
and run… really fast…"

Stupid is as stupid does, Forrest. Greater words of wisdom have
rarely been offered before or since.

Then I remember that as an advice columnist I have a duty to my
reader, my editor, my publisher, and above all, to my family, who
enjoys eating on a regular basis. There aren't too many openings
for smart aleck writers anymore (darn that Dave Berry), so I bite
my tongue and respond to the question as intelligently as I can.
That usually involves requesting more information from the reader
so I can offer an informed answer. It's not as satisfying as
firing off a sarcastic retort, but it is much better on the old
bank account.

Since you asked the question, Norris, I feel obligated to give
you an answer. What is the dumbest business question I've ever
been asked? I'll let you decide.

The following are real questions from real people that are running
around loose among us. If you recognize your question please don't
be offended. This is all in good fun and remember, ridicule is
the sincerest form of flattery. Or something like that.

Here's a question I get at least once a week: "I have never been
in business before, but I think I'd be really good at it. Can
you tell me what would be the best business for me to start?"

Hmm, how about one that involves the Psychic Hotline, since that's
who I will have to consult to answer your question. I don't know
anything about you, your background, your abilities, your talents,
your experience, or anything else. How can I possibly tell you
what would be the best business for you? Who do I look like,
Miss Cleo?

Here's one of my favorites: "I need to make a lot of money really
fast. What business should I start?"

You need to make a lot of money fast, huh. No problem. I have
one word for you, my friend: counterfeiting… Somebody hand me an
umbrella. It's raining stupid in here.

Here's an oldie but a goodie: "I have a killer business idea, but
I don't have any money. Do you ever invest in businesses or just
give advice?" Unfortunately, I only invest in non-lethal business
ideas, so I'll have to pass on your killer idea. Thanks for
thinking of me, though. This window is now closed…

And my all-time favorite: "I have a great product that nobody wants
to buy. How can I make customers buy my product."

How can you make a customer buy your product? Piece of cake, buddy
boy. Try using the same method I use to make my kids mind. Threaten
to put your customer in time out if he doesn't buy something from
you right this second! Don't make me get up and sell you
something, young man…

I could go on, but I think the point is made. Keep those cards
and letters coming, boys and girls. It's readers like you that
make this job so darn interesting.

Here's to your success.

Tim Knox
tim@dropshipwholesale.net
For information on starting your own online or eBay business,
visit http://www.dropshipwholesale.net