Eight Tips to Deal with Bully Emails

Recently, I had the misfortune of dealing with a colleague who liked to intimidate through email.  I suspect some of you might have had similar experiences.  The entire process made me think about what is the best way to deal with bully emails.  We want to “say it just right.”  But, what is “just right” when you face someone who will not talk to you on the telephone or face-to-face, but wants to rip off ugly emails instead?  Here are some ideas you might find useful.

Remember two very important points in the Say It Just Right model of communication.  One, you cannot change the other person.  You cannot force someone to talk to you on the phone even if that’s the best method of communication.  You cannot force someone to stop sending bully emails.  And two, it is important to understand where the person is coming from, but it’s not our job to psychoanalyze the person.  In other words, you do not need to get bogged down in what you perceive the other person’s emotional, personal or other problems may be.  You can only deal with the here and now.

Given those two important points from the model, let’s look at some tips for dealing with bully emails:

·         If someone sends you a bully email and it’s the first time they’ve done so, try and arrange a time to talk on the phone before you respond.  Do not respond immediately to the email.  If you do, you might say something you’ll regret!

·         If the person sends you repeated bully emails and refuses to talk to you on the telephone, you must respond to the person by email.

·         When responding to a bully email, do not respond to the emotional content.  If they blame you for things you did not do, let that go.  Justifying what you did will only stimulate another bully email.  (Trust me.  I did that and it doesn’t work!)  Furthermore, any kind of justification is defensive.  As soon as you get defensive, you are putty in the hands of the bully emailer.

·         When responding to a bully email, answer only the questions that must be answered specifically.  For example, if you must answer a question about when something should be submitted, do so.  If you must answer a question about how to proceed on an action, do so.

·         If the bully email has nothing in it but emotional content and there are no specifics to respond to, you have two choices.  1) You can respond with a statement that says, “I’m offended by what you’ve said in the email.”  In other words, you simply share your feelings in an assertive manner.  Or, 2) You decide not to respond at all.

·         The Say It Just Right model asks you to find a mutual solution when you are dealing with a conflict.  You can’t do that when dealing with a bully email because you have no interaction.  You must instead decide the course of action you wish to take and state it.  For example, “I’m going to end the relationship with your company today.”  This statement must be clear and show no wiggle room.  You can’t say, “I’m thinking about ending the relationship with your company.  What do you think?”  That will only result in another bully email.

·         The bully emailer will act as if he/she made the action decision you made.  If you are firing him as a client, he will try to resign.  He has to have the last word.  Let him have it! 

·         Finally, remember a bully emailer is a “difficult person,” as described in my book, Managing Sticky Situations at Work.  He or she is a bully emailer with everyone, not just with you.  If it turns out that this person is your boss, you must decide in your decision points if the costs are worth it.  Is it worth it to continue to deal with this person?  Bully emailers are even more difficult to cope with than those people who put you down to your face.  Why?  We have no opportunity for dialogue.  If this person is your boss, I’d suggest polishing up your resume!

In today’s world of electronic communication, bully emails are more frequent than ever.  The most important thing to remember is not to respond right away.  Give it time.  If you happen to be a Bold personality type, this might be most difficult for you.  But, you can do it.  If you must, write the email, but don’t send it.  Stop.  Move away from your computer or turn off your hand-held.  Take your time and then respond.  Time mollifies better than anything else.  Use it!  Responding to a bully as a bully only creates two bullies!  To Say It Just Right, you must step ahead of the bully emailer and show them what professionalism looks like.