Losing a Child: Grief Management Tactics

It seems so much more tragic to lay a child to rest, as you ponder with anguish the life they did not get to live, and miss them so acutely it feels like you cannot breathe.

Through my own family experiences and through my many years of hospice work, I have seen this play out numerous times. It is nonetheless always surprising, and the shock of this deep grief often seems too much to bear.

Losing a child may be the most difficult experience a human can endure, whether through illness, accident or the malicious intent of another. While no one can assuage the grief, anger and absolute terror one feels when facing such a horrific loss, there is wise advice available from those who, from personal experience, have discovered that the sun keeps rising despite their loss, and have found ways to cope and to heal over time.

One important gift to give yourself and your other immediate family members is time, and the patience to handle the situation as you go along, without expectations or judgments. Every family is different and each of us processes grief in our own way. After the rush of funeral arrangements and visits will come a calm period in which you may not know what to do with your grief. Some people throw themselves into their work, while others retreat inward and shut down socially. These are both extremes which represent depression and distraction, and while they may help blunt the pain in the short term, it is important not to suppress indefinitely the natural emotions you are feeling.

You may be afraid that your grief will overwhelm and consume you if you face it directly, and it may also irrationally feel as if facing the situation makes it somehow more 'real.' Dealing with this volatile mass of emotion is often best done with some outside assistance. You may choose family grief counseling, which is helpful for siblings as well, and you may also find needed support in local groups of bereaved parents. In talking with others who have been through a similar loss, you will truly feel heard and be able to process some of your feelings together. Often, well-meaning family members and friends simply cannot grasp the depth of your pain and either do not know what to do or say, or are not there in ways that you require. Other families who are also grieving a child will be patient with you and able to deeply empathize, giving you the time and space you need to work through your experience.

Never be afraid to admit you're having a bad day whether others around you understand or not, and accept fully wherever you find yourself emotionally from day to day. There is no 'right' way or timeline for grief, so in loving yourself and being patient and honest, you can slowly find your way to some semblance of normalcy and begin to heal from your loss. No, your life will never be the same again, but yes, you can find ways to feel deep joy and love again in the future as you feel the presence of your lost child and feel deep gratitude for the life you have been given, with all its memories and richness.