Playing Second Fiddle: How to Cope When Your Child Prefers the Nanny Over You

It happens to every working mom. No matter who you are there will come a day when your child prefers the nanny to you. It is natural that your child would prefer the nanny from time to time; if you work outside of the home, your nanny is your child's primary caregiver for much of the day. Children crave routine, and get used one person giving them a bath, laying them down for a nap, etc. Just reminding yourself of this can help you to feel a bit better about the situation.

When your child prefers his or her caregiver, it can be frustrating, even heartbreaking. While there may be little you can do to avoid it entirely, here are a few ways to cope when it does happen to you:

1. Take Heart – It's Only Temporary. All children go through phases of affection, times when they prefer one parent over another, or another caregiver over both parents. Remember, the nanny is not permanent, and neither is your child's attachment to her. Soon enough, your child will want you to do everything for him. So why not take advantage of it and get a little extra time to read that magazine or take a bath?

2. Share Your Frustration With a Friend – Not Your Child. It can be confusing and overwhelming for your child to see you upset, especially if it's because of something he did or didn't do. If your heart sinks when he cries out for the nanny and refuses to be held by you, just keep smiling, and save your tears for a private moment. Call a friend and let it out, and then come back to your child and make a second attempt to care for him.

3. Look on the Bright Side. Let's be honest, there is a certain pleasure in knowing your child needs you. But if you really think about it, isn't it a good thing that your child is connecting to someone besides you? Would you prefer that your child pine for you all day and be upset? Probably not. Remember, the easier it is for your child to form connections with non family members now, the easier it will be for him to adjust to school, meet new people, and be comfortable in social situations.

4. Establish a New Ritual With Your Child. One of the best ways to get out of a rut is to start something new. If your child has established routines with her nanny and does not want to include you, then establish a new ritual that is just for baby and mommy. You might purchase a special book for "mommy reading time", try a new game, or if your child is older, go for a special walk in your neighborhood. That way, even if you are not the caregiver of choice for naps and bath time, you can still have bonding time with your child while she goes through this phase.

5. Remember You're the Mother – Period. This situation can be so hurtful, that some mothers start to feel very insecure and nervous about their mothering ability. It is important to remember you are the mother at all times. Do not abdicate any decision making to your nanny. Do your best to feel confident in your role and in your mothering ability so that your child feels your certainty and trusts you.

So, before you walk in the door after work, stop for a moment to gather your courage. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you are a good mother, and can provide the best care for your child. Tell yourself that soon enough your child will once again reach out for you, and stick to you like white on rice. When you finally do walk through the door, leave your insecurities behind and give your child a great big smile!