6 Dating Tips from Ughh the Caveman

While recently browsing through the Akashic Records of the Universe, I discovered that the greatest relationship advice counselor to have ever incarnated on Earth was Ughh, a caveman born in 123,566 B.C.

My local Rent-A-Psychic outlet provided a channeler and now thanks to her unique talent, I am bringing you Ughh's eternal dating wisdom and answers to your dating and relationship questions.

1. Question:

I've been dating my current girlfriend for 23 years. She's 45 and I'm 48. She tells me she needs her own space and has taken time off and on to find herself. Lately I've realized I'd like to get married and have children but she is still telling me she is not yet ready for committment and needs to get her head together before settling down.

What should I do?

Answer:

When a woman takes meat from you, spreads her legs but returns to the skins of her mother and father, she is telling you that either the meat you fed her or the meat between your legs did not fill her up. Let another hunter feed her cubs.

Find a girl who is a good cook and has a fast hand for catching grasshoppers. Feed the hot heart of an antelope to her mother and father and the liver to her. Then, if she tries to crawl back under the bearskin of her mother and father, they will kick her until she returns to you.

After you have fed her five antelope livers or the winds of the Gods have planted a cub in her womb, she will remain yours until the walls of ice to the north melt.

2. Question

I am 35 years old and have not had a second date since college. The women tell me I'm too nice of a guy for them and they just want to be friends.

What should I do?

Answer:

You must be a lazy hunter. When the women see you sleeping in the sun every day living on grass instead of bringing back strings of rabbits and squirrels, they curse your manhood and rightly so.

If you want a woman you must prove you can feed her and her cubs.

If your cave has no available females, capture one from another tribe.

If your heart is too small and your bowels too loose for that, resign yourself to sleeping cold until you die.

3. Question

I'm a girl who loves to go to raves. I used to go home only with guys, but lately I've been bi-curious with other girls and I'm getting confused. Am I a lesbian or is it just the Ecstasy?

Answer:

Life is short. Many women die young in childbirth. Many men die young in hunting accidents or war parties. Everybody can die young from starvation, winter cold and disease.

When a woman's husband is gored by a wild pig and she has three cubs and the other hunters in the cave already have as many wives and cubs as they can feed, it can be good for that woman to share her skins with a hunting woman or he-girl.

The woman and her cubs get meat and the hunting woman gets a hunting ground for her tongue as well as her food cooked and her skins sewn.

The same is true of a man left alone with cubs when there're no available women in the tribe. A she-boy can warm his skins with her hole, watch over the cubs and cook for him. In return for her share of the mammoth steaks.

The Elders noticed that the Gods do not plant new cubs in the bellies of the women. Therefore for the future of the tribe it is best for young girls and oys to warm each other and leave she-boys and he-girls alone until necessary.

4. I'm a 38 year old successful professional woman. I have had numerous relationships but so far no luck getting married or having kids.

Men are selfish animals. They don't want to have a serious committed relationship. They want to lay you then cheat on you.

How can I find my soulmate?

Answer:

An enemy put a horrible curse on you when you were still very small, because you are quite obviously the vicious kind of woman who tells men what you do not like about them. You eat the meat they give you and then refuse their spears. They leave you with their hearts, bellies and spears still hungry. You smell like a dead animal but nobody can find the decaying corpse.

You must consult your local shaman and pay him many furs to travel through the spirit world to take this curse from you.

5. Question:

I've been living with my boyfriend for 16 years and we have three children together. Our parents are asking when we'll get married but neither one of us is sure we're ready for committment. How do we tell them to mind their own business, that marriage is just a piece of paper?

Answer:

When a boy shares a hide with a girl it is his responsibility to feed her and the cubs the winds of the gods plant in her belly. As long as he feeds her, the girl must open her inner cave to his spear whenever he wants, except of course when her moon blood flows. She must also cook the meat he brings home and patch skins into lothes.

What is a piece of paper?

6. Question:

My lover just cheated on me. Should I dump them?

Answer:

As long as a man keeps his woman's belly and inner cave full, she will not want to lie underneath another man. But if a man is lazy and does not feed his woman, he cannot blame her for looking for meat to satisfy her hunger.

A strong hunter can have as many women as are available. But when his eye dims and his arm is no longer strong enough to bring down 5 rabbitts or squirrels a day, he must expect his second and third wives to seek younger and stronger men.