In the realm of romantic partnerships, the dynamic between control and kindness can be the deciding factor in the relationship's health and longevity. A relationship dominated by the need to control can lead to discord and dissatisfaction, while one rooted in kindness fosters growth and mutual respect. Understanding how to transition from a desire to control to a practice of kindness can be transformative for both partners.
When you gaze upon your partner, what do you perceive? For Carmella, her view of Rudy was clouded by negative traits: his insecurity, his passive demeanor, and his physical appearance, which she attributed to laziness. These perceived flaws overshadowed the qualities that initially drew her to him—his sweetness, warmth, and humor. This critical lens led Carmella to contemplate leaving Rudy, as her feelings of love were replaced by a growing sense of criticism.
However, Carmella's focus was on Rudy's external, fear-driven ego rather than his true self. The Rudy she fell in love with was still present, but her perspective had shifted away from his essence.
Carmella and Rudy's relationship was marred by a mutual desire for control rather than compassion. Carmella's criticisms, aimed at changing Rudy's behavior, were met with his withdrawal—a defense mechanism against the rejection he felt from her. This cycle of control and retreat created a barrier to genuine connection and understanding.
In their quest for a healthier relationship, Carmella and Rudy sought guidance. It became clear that Carmella's intent was more about controlling Rudy than loving herself or him. Rudy, feeling the weight of Carmella's criticism, had learned to withdraw as a means of self-protection. Despite his love for her, he did not feel loved in return. Attempts at communication only led to further defensiveness and attack.
During our sessions, I encouraged Carmella to recognize that she had a choice in how she viewed Rudy. She could either focus on his insecurities or appreciate his true self—his caring, sweet nature. As Alison Armstrong eloquently puts it in "Keys To The Kingdom," Carmella was inadvertently transforming her prince into a frog.
I also addressed Rudy's coping mechanism, emphasizing that withdrawal was not a self-loving response. Instead, he needed to advocate for himself, expressing how the criticism made him feel and setting boundaries against attempts to control him.
Carmella and Rudy committed to practicing kindness towards themselves and each other. Carmella made efforts to see Rudy through the lens of love, while Rudy began to assertively communicate his feelings. This shift towards kindness and self-compassion led to a healing process within their relationship.
The transition from control to kindness is not just a personal journey but a relational one. By choosing to see and nurture the best in each other, partners can create a more loving and fulfilling partnership.
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