Want to Be Happier in Life? Stop Being a People Pleaser

People-pleasing is an unhealthy behavior that often hides in plain sight. That’s because people pleasers come across to others — and maybe even to themselves — as being kind, generous, and caring. But as Dr. Venus Nicolino warns, that’s simply not the case because people-pleasing is actually a form of manipulation.

People pleasers work hard to manipulate others out of fear, Dr. Nicolino said. It’s a trauma response that can become dangerous if a people pleaser finds themselves trying to placate a narcissist or others who won’t hesitate to take advantage. The only way to avoid such situations is to look inside, become aware of your behavior, and make a change.

“If you’re a people pleaser, I want you to stop trying to please people. Just stop it,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said in a video on her popular TikTok channel. “Because what you’re really doing is manipulating people for love, manipulating people to like you.”

Why Live Healthly Life Style?

The Los Angeles-based bestselling author is known for her irreverent approach to mental health issues — something on full display in her book Bad Advice: How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bulls--t. Often known by her nickname, Dr. V, she holds a master’s in counseling psychology and a master’s and Ph.D. in clinical psychology.

On the issue of people-pleasing, she’s her usual, direct self. “I know manipulating is a strong word, the kind of word that will really stick to the soul of a people pleaser, because the last thing you would ever want is to be manipulating people. You’re a good person, trying to do good things,” Dr. Nicolino said in the video. “So, why do you feel the need to manipulate others, which is what people-pleasing is?”

Why Are You Trying To Please Everyone?

A definition of a person with a people-pleasing personality, as supplied by Medical News Today, is someone who “feels a strong urge to please others, even at their own expense. They may feel that their wants and needs do not matter or alter their personality around others.”

The reasons people do that are where the real complexity begins. Psychology Today lists a variety of potential reasons, including fear of rejection, insecurities, and the need to be well liked. Others may worry that if they stop people-pleasing, everyone will abandon them. They may also fear failure, believing that if they stop appeasing others they’ll become disappointed, which will lead to punishment or negative consequences.

The common denominator in all of the above is fear. People-pleasing is now seen as a trauma response, something Dr. Venus Nicolino expands upon. Trauma responses generally fall into one of four categories: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. People-pleasing falls into the fawning category, which is defined as an often unconscious behavior that aims to please, appease, and pacify a threat in an attempt to keep the person from further harm.

Always Please Yourself

Dr. Venus Nicolino calls people-pleasing “a trauma response to fear.” She explains that people pleasers scan their environment for threats, homing in on the unsafe person in the room. That person could make them feel uncomfortable for any number of reasons. But the bottom line is, the people pleaser begins to placate them in an attempt to keep themselves safe.

“Remember this, whenever you feel the need to people-please, you’re placating and manipulating them because your nervous system doesn’t feel safe,” Dr. Nicolino said.

By homing in on the person who makes them feel insecure, people pleasers put themselves in danger of becoming the pawns of those with mental health issues or personality disorders of their own.

“Trying to control others’ behavior is absolutely impossible and people-pleasing is a dangerous game, especially with bad actors or narcissistic types,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said. “They’ll recognize your people-pleasing tendencies and you know what they’ll do? They’ll latch onto you like a parasite. At best, you’ll be drained. At worst, you’ll be tangled up in situations that you can’t fathom or control.”

She called people-pleasing “a defense tactic, but a terrible one.” If someone makes you feel uneasy or fearful, then going out of your way to please them is the last thing you want to do.

Stop Being People Pleaser

“They’ll be encouraged to hang around,” Dr. Venus Nicolino noted. “[Instead,] you could easily rid yourself of the fear and the danger by not overlooking red flags that turn into red toxins that seep into more and more parts of your life.”

She invites people to conduct a thought experiment to help them identify their people-pleasing tendencies. She asks them to think of those they love and trust the most. With them, there's no reason to put on a show. It’s possible to express true feelings, with no need to cover up or manipulate.

Dr. V added, “You can be yourself — kind, generous, but still honest. You know why? Because your instincts and your nervous system are not in panic mode with these people. But fear is present when you’re around people you feel the pressure to please.”

Ultimately, she encourages people to “be kind, be generous. But don’t people-please. You’re enough”.