Helping an Alcoholic

How can we best help an alcoholic?

The best way to help an alcoholic is indirectly. This means that you do not try to control or manipulate them. Do not try to beg them to stop drinking. Do not threaten them or shame them or engage with angry arguments with them. None of these tactics work at all. At best these tactics fail outright. At worst they drive the alcoholic deeper into drinking and isolation.

So how can we help them?

The first idea for you to grasp in attempting to help the alcoholic is that they are eventually going to make a decision to change for themselves, or they will not change at all. But the important thing for you to realize is that the decision must come from them. You and everyone else cannot make that decision for them. Not you, not the police, not a judge, no one.

The second idea for you to grasp is that this decision that will eventually be made by the alcoholic will be motivated by pain. Unfortunately this is the way it has to be. The alcoholic will finally decide that they have had enough pain and misery in their life and decide it is time for change. This is the only motivation that works. You could promise them a life of paradise if they quit drinking and this will do nothing to motivate them. The motivation has to come from pain and fear and misery.

Given these two ideas, you should be able to see where this is going. The most important thing for you to concentrate on in attempting to help an alcoholic is that you should never try to deny the alcoholic of their pain. The alcoholic is trapped in a cycle and experiencing pain and misery on a regular basis and your job is to step out of the way and let them endure that pain. For example, if an alcoholic gets loaded on the weekends and can't make it to work on Monday morning, they might lose their job. Let them. Do not attempt to cover for them or help them to keep their life held together. This is part of their pain and you should not deny them of it. Doing so will keep them drinking. Let them experience their pain and they might just sober up some day.

This does not mean that you have to actively inflict pain on an alcoholic. Nor does it mean that you should try to get them in trouble or set traps for them in any way. The alcoholic can screw up their life just fine without any help from you. And that is the whole point: "without any help from you." Stop "putting pillows under them" and let them fall on their face. Do not enable them in any way. Do not do things for them if they could have handled it while sober. Do not make exceptions for how you help them because they are drunk.

Don't bail them out of jail.

Don't call in sick to work for them.

Don't give them money. Ever.

Even if they need money for their kids or something, this is more manipulation on their part. Don't give it to them.

Understand that this has nothing to do with "being mean." Doing these things is not mean at all. You are not depriving them of anything. They are an out of control drunk and their demands are unreasonable. Why should you have to bail them out of jail? They don't bail you out of jail, do they? Their drinking is no excuse for being in jail. Their drinking is no excuse for missing work.

Stop making excuses for them and stop rescuing them. Over time they will be forced to face the consequences of their drinking and this will eventually lead to change. It is a long hard road but unfortunately it is the only way.