How to Feel Good With Family

Are you feeling frustrated, resentful, or angry around some members of your family? Do you have mixed feelings about spending time with or calling parents, siblings, children, or relatives? Well, you are not alone. Especially during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, family issues often show up in major ways.

As a Marriage, Family Therapist, I counseled many men and women who were dealing with the pain they had around their families. They often had guilt feelings for not wanting to connect with them, as well as anger, fear, hurt, and sadness.

For example, Heidi, a forty-three-year-old teacher, complained to me that one part of her wanted to spend time with her parents and siblings, but another part wanted to stay away. To help Heidi heal her dilemma, I guided her through a HART process (Holistic And Rapid Transformation).

I said, "Heidi, allow yourself to close your eyes and imagine your family is in front of you. What do you want to say to them? There are no consequences because they are not really here."

At first the middle aged woman remained quiet. Then she began to cry. After she released her sadness, I continued, "Try the words, I feel so hurt when you __ and finish the sentence." Heidi whispered, "I feel so hurt when you criticize me." Then she yelled, "Stop criticizing me! I am never good enough for you! You are always finding fault with everything I do and all the people in my life. I am sick of it! Leave me alone. If you love me, why are you doing that? I just want you to love and accept me!"

Then I guided Heidi back to the time she decided that she was not good enough. The little girl was five-years-old and her mother was yelling at her because she did not set the table right. This was not the first time her mother was critical. However, this time little Heidi felt it very deeply.

I suggested to Heidi that she release that negative scene by burning it away with a laser beam. Then I guided her to imagine the scene as she would have liked it to be. Heidi visualized her mother lovingly saying, "Honey, you did a good job and I like to do it this way." Heidi felt much better and decided from this positive experience that she was okay and that people have different opinions. She realized that she was okay and good enough no matter what anyone said or did.

Heidi naturally took a deep breath of relief. Then I guided her to return to the present and to again imagine her family in front of her. She smiled and said, "What you say or do is about you and not me. I am good enough just the way I am."

The teacher returned for another session after the holidays. When I asked Heidi her experiences with her family, she shared how interesting it was. She noticed how they were all critical of themselves and others. "But this time, Helene, I did not feel any pain. I just observed them. It was the best visit I had with them in my adult life," exclaimed Heidi.

Can you relate to Heidi's story? Many men and women in my office have had the same painful experience and success in healing it. The power of this process is to emotionally realize (not just mentally) that you are good enough. I have heard this negative belief, that I am not good enough, so often that I decided that it must be an epidemic.

You can feel good around your family when you realize the truth that no matter what anyone says or does you are good enough, okay, worthy, important, intelligent, and a good person. The truth sets you free, and enables you to enjoy your loved ones.