How easy it is to fall out with others based on us getting the wrong end of the stick! We can be our own worst enemies, making sense of things based on what we want things to be like, our past experiences, how we feel about ourselves and the world, the values of what people should and shouldn’t do, etc. rather than what is the reality. When we learn the valuable lesson that how we see things is not the truth, we gather more information to help us see things more as they are.
The way that we interpret our own world has huge effects upon us. Big decisions are made with misinterpreted or distorted information.
I met with a friend recently and he told me about something that had happened while out in a club with friends that had upset him. Someone had made a comment to him that really got inside his head. We've all had this feeling- a comment from someone feels like a criticism that has the weight of a hammer behind it and once in our heads it grows, sticking on to other memories until we feel down, depressed or worse.
It reminds me of a story. Maxine was outwardly confident but she was not as self-assured as she appeared. She had started a new job with a good firm that was bigger than anywhere she'd worked before and she felt a little out of sorts. Most of the people were nice though and she got on well with Joanna, who worked in the office. There was some bitchiness in their team and Maxine was reminded of school and other places she'd worked but she was older now and wouldn't let it bother her.
Getting ready to go to the Christmas meal she felt nervous and berated herself for caring what the bitches at work thought of her. She had had snarky comments about some of her clothes at work which she was assured were just' little jokes' and it had led to her feeling unsure of what to wear, how much make up to put on, etc
Logically and rationally she knew that stuff didn't matter to her and she had worked through a lot of this stuff. Yet still she felt the nerves of a kid going to a new school or to the prom.
The meal was fine, with the usual crew sat together giggling and even if it was about Maxine she didn't care what they thought. She sat with Joanna and some of the others who she got along with. She was expert at putting on a brave face anyway so could enjoy the night and have a great weekend.
She decided to pop outside for some air and a quick cigarette. It was quiet and she enjoyed the chance to relax a little. Joanna came out and came toward her, lighting up a cigarette. She stood right in front of Maxine, looked her in the eye and said 'You look old'.
Just like that.
Out of the blue from someone she'd trusted. Maxine felt her chest tighten and her breathing increase. She couldn't have named the feelings she felt even if she'd wanted to.
She just said 'I'm going in'.
Joanna was funny with her all night after that and things were frosty at work on Monday too. Maxine had thought about it all weekend and spoken to her best friend Paul about it. She felt an idiot for letting these people get close to her. Inevitably they show their true colours and slap you in the face. She never said very much to Joanna after that, having to make excuses that she busy just twice before she got the message and left her be. She was always happier on her own anyway.
Maxine relived this experience many times for years to come, telling the story to friends and illustrating that people can't really be trusted and will stab you in the back. She had quietly felt confused by how Joanna, so nice and generous could be so cruel.
Joanna thought of Maxine too from time to time. She too had been left confused by the whole thing. She'd seen her head out without her coat and wanted to see if she was okay. She looked freezing out there and when she's tried to be nice she became moody and went off seemingly in a huff about something. All she'd said was that Maxine had looked cold.
We interpret events all of the time, making sense of what information goes into our eyes, ears and other senses. We create stories and scenarios based on how we view the world and our values.
imagine that Maxine had been extremely self-assured, happy in herself and how she looked; that she hadn't experienced bullying before. Would she have heard 'You look old' or 'You look cold'?
The information that goes in to our brain is just information and the sense that we make of it is our own interpretation. We know that our brain distorts information to fit the life script that we are living. We also delete information that does not feel like it fits. Have you ever experienced someone giving you a compliment or telling you that you've done something well and then struggled to remember what it was they'd said afterwards? If the new information does not fit with how you see yourself your brain will spam it away as it is not relevant or useful; as it does with billions of bits of information coming through our eyes and ears all day long. Imagine going to the supermarket and your brain paying attention to every sound, word, box, smell, etc. You'd go crazy. Our brains sift through billions of bits of information to sort out the handful of bits it thinks it needs at that time. As I sit typing there are things all around me but my brain does not pay attention to them because they are not relevant to the task in hand.
If one of your beliefs is 'I'm not as good as most other people' then your brain will pay attention to the bits of information that fit and reinforce this belief, while distorting and deleting those that don't ('He's paid me a compliment- what's he after?).
How might things have been different?
Maxine could have challenged her negative thinking throughout the day and asked things like 'Do I know for a fact that those women are gossiping about me?' or 'Did I let the lovely comment about my dress go in or have I ignored that?'
She might have acknowledged the nervous feelings as soon as she noticed them, acknowledging that the Christmas meal is triggering feelings from past events and sending her warning signs (like faster heart rate, feeling sick; but simply chemicals released by her brain). She could reassure herself that she is safe now and not at risk this evening. Thank you, brain, but I'm good!
When she heard the comment from Joanna she could have checked it out with her: 'Did you just say I looked old? That's not like you', to which no doubt Joanna would reply 'COLD. I said you look cold. I'd never say you looked old, you look lovely'.
Retelling the story over and over makes it feel more like a fact that it actually happened exactly as you describe it. Friends will want to make us feel better so are more likely to collude with you that Joanna is a bitch rather than challenge what you are saying. This has happened to me and it happened recently to my friend. When I said 'Could he have said 'You look cold?' he gasped and said 'Oh my God, I was sat in a club with my coat on' as the penny dropped.
We all know that at times we are our own worst enemies. We make sense of things based on what we want things to be like, our past experiences, how we feel about ourselves and the world, the values of what people should and shouldn't do, etc.
When we learn the valuable lesson that how we see things is not the truth, but only our truth and that other people have their truths that they see as being right, we can step outside of our emotion and see it for what it is. Or check things out with people before our distortions become realities in our minds; further adding to our negative feelings about ourselves, reinforcing ideas that we are not good enough. We are all much more than good enough. Most of us just haven't worked it out yet.
Information goes in through your eyes and ears. You interpret these to create your truth, but this is not THE truth. If you hold on to your view of the situation and choose not to consider other ways of seeing things, you will continue to make decisions based on misinformation and distorted facts.
