Should You Express Feelings at Work?

As Emotional Intelligence becomes the latest buzz word, and enters the military, business and corporate worlds, the question arises: “Should you express your emotions at work?” Many people think that’s what Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is about.

This question is similar to, “Do you think emotions belong in the workplace?”

The answer to both is – Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter what you think, it’s a reality. We bring our emotions to the work place. We also express them in the workplace. The key is the awareness. It’s already going on. EQ is about managing all this intelligently.

Emotional Intelligence is about self-awareness. That’s the beginning. Knowing your own feelings, understanding where they come from and how they work, managing them, and being able to make rational decisions making use of the information they provide. Our emotions, after all, guide
us. In a very real sense, we ARE our emotions. Once you can do this for yourself, you can apply this knowledge to others.

We like to think it’s a matter of choice – expressing them or not – but that’s less often the case than you might think.

I was reminded of this a couple of months ago when I was speaking on a cruise. I broke my ankle on the second day out. They put a soft cast on it in the Mexican hospital, and I awaited my return to the US to get it taken care of.

Yes, it hurt, and I wasn’t able to do much, but to me it wasn’t intolerable. When I went for meals, I didn’t want my tablemates’ vacation to be “inconvenienced” or to “worry” them about such a thing while on their vacation, something
“unpleasant.” That’s what we get away for, right? So there I sat, eating and making polite conversation, acting as if nothing were wrong (though of course the cast was evident) but every time I changed position even slightly, I winced.

The gentleman sitting across from me said, “Does your foot hurt?” “No,” I replied, not wanting to cause concern.

The next time it happened, the same question, “Is your foot hurting?”

“No,” I replied.

This time he challenged me, annoyed, with “Why do you tell me it doesn’t hurt when it shows all over your face?”

The thing is that we DO show how we’re feeling, whether we want to or not. It can be subtle, in which case some people will miss it, but others who are more perceptive will pick up on it.

When we see expressions on people’s faces we can at least tell something’s wrong, though we may not be able to read the emotion and figure it out exactly. In this case, it was rather obvious since they knew I’d broken my ankle.

I asked myself why I felt like concealing how I was feeling (though I didn’t do it very well). There are reasons why we do. It could be we don’t want to make other people uncomfortable, or don’t want to appear “weak” or “overly
emotional.” Perhaps it’s the cultural norm you grew up with (as in my case … you don’t talk about unpleasant things ‘at table’), or the culture you’re currently in. Perhaps we’d rather ignore it ourselves, with the “stiff upper lip”
philosophy, or because we think there’s nothing anyone else can do about it. Or in our family of origin, perhaps when we didn’t express a negative feeling, nothing WAS done about it, so we no longer expect it, and keep it to ourselves.

But what happens when we don’t? For one thing, we send mixed messages and, as with my table companion, this annoys other people. It erodes trust. To him, I was lying. I was saying I wasn’t in pain (verbally) when I was (nonverbally,
facial expression). It was “little white lie” in my culture; a big lie in his. He was an outspoken guy, a rancher from rural Texas. He wanted it all out on the table.

When we don’t express our emotions, but they’re “leaking out” or when we plaster a “mask” on our faces, removing all expression (or trying to), we’re perceived as “being hidden.” This erodes trust.

Most of the emotional content in communication takes place nonverbally, as it did in this exchange. We were talking as if nothing were wrong, when my facial expressions (evidently) were showing pain. I wasn’t that aware of …
which, often we are not. Had this been on occasion where I wanted, or needed, to hide how I was feeling, it would help me to be more aware of my expressions, yes?

This was a social occasion, and here was the result. When I finally came out (to his way of thinking) and “admitted” I was in pain (I thought they would know, of course!), I received lots of help. They moved a chair so I could put my foot up, they escorted me from the dining room, they were solicitous of my well-being. These are all nice things!

And here’s the other side of the communication coin … in the back of my mind, I was sure everyone “knew” I was in great pain. Have you ever broken a bone? It’s excruciating! I assumed everyone knew that and that his question meant … “Assuming you’re in pain, is it tolerable? It is intolerable? Is there anything we can do? Can we help you?” (We leave out a lot of words in our communication, and we always carry a lot of assumptions into the conversations.)

When we express our emotions (appropriately) at work, the same things can happen. For instance, if you’re confused by the instructions you’ve been given, it’s best to express this. Then you can get the clarification you need. If you’re annoyed by the noise your colleague is making at
their desk, if you express it, then it can be solved. If you’re frustrated someone’s not making a deadline, or disappointed when a colleague’s let you down, it’s best to express it verbally and appropriately, rather than bottle it
up inside, or fail to address the situation, or leave all those assumptions rattling around.

Equally as importantly, if you're on a project team and you are sceptical about a procedure, or have a gut feeling a strategy isn't going to work, these feelings must be expressed for the success of the venture. Our emotions guide us. We ignore them to our peril.

When we deal with our emotions at the time, it keeps little things from becoming big issues. It keeps you out of the place of resentment. It allows you to get what you want and need, and for others to as well. Work is about people, emotions and relationships. In order to make this work best, we need to acknowledge the feelings are there, and deal with them. That’s what emotional intelligence is all about.

We’ve done a good job at treating the intellectual side of work. We hire people for their academic degrees, credentials, and experience. Then we train them in skills, providing graduated experience for them to learn from, and mentor them in technical areas or send them to classes.

What’s been ignored is coaching in the “people” element, what’s commonly called the “soft” skills. Emotional Intelligence coaching is about training in emotional management, communication, leadership, vision, resilience, flexibility and the other EQ competencies.

Businesses don’t succeed, people do. Take care of the “people” side of the equation with EQ.