What do you believe about love and relationships? The answer may surprise you.
How many of us grew up with the fairy tale ideal of romance where love sweeps us off our feet? One where someone comes along pledging their eternal love to us,
with the single goal of making us happy? A romance where our partner does everything with us in mind, and whose life revolves around us? Even if you said, “Yuck!” when you read this, chances are that in the deepest recesses of your subconscious programming; you believe every word of what I wrote.
One clue to figure out if what I’m suggesting has any truth to it, is to think about how you react to romantic movies. If you tend to get teary or you are deeply moved by those types of films, chances are you are touching upon some old beliefs about love. The movie producers are well aware that we have these beliefs – if we didn’t we wouldn’t react to these kinds of films and we wouldn’t be interested in seeing them.
Another way to test this theory is to observe your behavior in relationship. Ask yourself if you get upset when your partner doesn’t do what you want, when you want it, with you first and foremost in their mind. Do you become frustrated when your partner doesn’t see things your way, or when they make plans that don’t revolve around you? Do you find yourself trying to control them and having them behave the way you want them to behave, dress the way you want them to dress and talk the way you want them to? Have you been known to abdicate your happiness to your partner, making them responsible for cheering you up, entertaining you or making you happy?
If any of these things are true for you, it’s time to consider looking at what you believe about love. The truth is no one can make you happy, solve your loneliness problems or make your life entertaining. If you’re unhappy it’s not because of anything outside of you, it’s because of your lack of love for yourself and your desire to look for love and comfort externally. The best relationships in life are found between people who are already happy and fulfilled and are not looking for their partner to do anything for them. Instead they create a partner who they can share their life and express their love audaciously with.
This very different from neediness, where we are looking for a partner to save us from boredom or to complete us in some way. First and foremost, love is never neediness. Truly, unless you love yourself first, it’s unlikely that someone else is going to love you. (If you are needy it’s more likely that they’ll take advantage of you.) If you love yourself completely and fully then your partner will follow suit. As my teacher don Miguel Ruiz used to say, “Life is nothing but a dream, and if you create your life with love, your dream becomes a masterpiece of art.” Again – that’s your love I’m talking about, not a partner’s love.
The best Valentine’s Day from my point of view, is one where I honor, respect and love myself fully and grandly. It doesn’t matter if I have a partner in the moment or not, as I am never alone – Spirit is always walking with me. I am complete and whole and I live to express my love, not to hunt love like a beggar. I encourage you to make this year the best Valentine’s Day ever in your life. Celebrate yourself and your expression of unconditional love in the world grandly and deliciously!
