This Christmas, Don’t Take the Bait

You’re at a party talking with a man and it happens. He says something and you feel “sucked dry” after processing various emotions. Some of them might be -- He’s been hurt, I must help him; I’m good at cheering people up; I really don’t want to do this now, we’re at a party, why would he ruin it, that’s an unkind thought; what would it hurt to give him some time; he’s too needy; I wonder if I’m looking compassionate; this is inappropriate, I’m annoyed; am I wearing some kind of sign that attracts this?

You end up exhausted. You’ve taken the bait.

It happened to me at dance class the other day. We were there to learn the Polka, a very happy dance. We switch partners and my first one was great – learning, but fun. Then my second partner appears – a sad-faced, tense man who stood defiantly in front of me. (Whatever bait they’re throwing out, what they’re looking for is a fight.)

“I can’t do this,” he said.

“Ug,” I thought, and replied, “Oh, sure you can. Let’s give it a try.”

He crossed his arms and replied, “No I can’t.”

“Why not?” said I, a captive 'partner.'

“I’m old,” he replied.

My anger flared. (Taking the bait I am.) I teach EQ and optimism, and work with midlife people, and that’s such as BAD attitude. He wasn’t even the oldest person in the room, not that “old” people can’t dance … I was on my way, ready to pour energy into this blackhole!

At this point you must remind yourself not to argue. If he hadn’t used “too old,” he would’ve used “too young”. The excuse is the thing. The victim is the pose.

Then I’m hearing, “So be kind to me.”

The final coup d’etat. He makes me angry and then tells me I must be kind to him. If I bite, I’m hamstrung. He’s dishing out guilt. He wants to make me as miserable as he is. Ready?

Our teacher came running over. In order to keep students (and make money) he wants everyone to be happy, and clearly we two weren’t. We were both smiling (mine fakey, his true because he was happy to be working me over), but what he saw out of the corner of his eyes looked like it needed breaking up, like a fight. We pick up on one another’s vibes and we pick up the true vibe.

I wanted to say, “Then why are you here?” tying myself into more knots. The reason he was there was to pick a fight, and how obliging of me!

The point is – all those negative emotions you feel are your signal that the “bait” is on the hook and it's coming your way. Our emotions give us information, and the message is – don’t bite. Get away.

As you approach the holidays, and those often-dreaded family get-togethers, if you have some of these difficult people among your friends and relatives, prepare yourself. Even a short interchange with a person like this is costly.

If you use your emotional intelligence, you can limit the damage. As you develop your EQ, you’ll learn to catch it quicker, get into it less, stop it sooner, and recover faster. Eventually you can avoid it most of the time.

When I’ve listened to people talk about a difficult relative (or co-worker or friend), they’re experts on what the interchange will be, what chains will be jerked, and how furious they will be. They’re asking me how to fix the person, because they’re SURE there’s a way and they just haven’t found it yet, so they keep going back.

The way is ANOTHER way. Why would you spend any time with a person like this at all? If you can’t fix it, no one could. It’s only fixable if the person realizes they play the victim, wants to change, asks for help, and then practices new behaviors with insight.

If not, it’s you that will get “fixed.” It takes two to play the game, and if you willingly agree to participate, then you have lost. There’s no way to win it; they are pros at what they do. And, really, you’re a pro at what you do – taking the bait. (Don’t be a victim yourself! If you agree to play the game, then you can’t blame someone else, can you?)

Are you ‘wearing a sign’? Some people get used this way more than others, but remember that the victim or cynic is going to find SOMEONE, so it’s a matter of who looks like the best playmate for this nasty game.

HOW CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

1.Go rested. Family issues are charged, and the holidays escalate emotions because we tend to overdo and are tired and stressed.

2.Manage expectations. If you don’t expect too much, you can’t be disappointed. (What goes up, must come down.)

3.Don’t set yourself up. If you can’t stand your Uncle Albert and agree to have a dinner for 4 with him, who is playing helpless and hopeless? Among the many miracles of Christmas is not going to be a sudden epiphany on Uncle Albert’s part, turning him into a great dinner companion. Include him in a large gathering, or not at all. You have choices.

4.Develop your intuition and emotional self-awareness. To refuse to play, you must recognize the signals as yours speak to you. A few distancing remarks and you can excuse yourself to get back to your work/go get a bite to eat/go shoot yourself.

5.Manage your emotional response. Self-soothe, breathe deeply, let it go through you. No one can make you angry or hurt you unless you agree to it.

6.Don’t trap the energy. You don’t have to act on what you’re feeling and you don’t have to “keep” it. Let it move on. (Visualize this.)

7.Have some distancing language available. (The provocation can be a nonverbal, so stayed tuned in. If you feel provoked, you have been.) If someone says, “Well you just had to wear that dress, didn’t you? Always lording your money over us,” you know it’s a fight (aggressive). If they say, smiling sweetly, “You must’ve spent a fortune on that outfit,” in a certain tone of voice, and the history is a money-issue between you, it’s also a fight (passive). A distancing reply might be, “Shopping really takes time.”

8.Be respectful and neutral as you get away. Distance by language and also literally.

9.If it’s a “loved one” remember that you can love someone whose behavior you don’t like, and don’t use “but.” If you say, “She’s my sister BUT she’s awful,” you’re conflicting yourself. Actually there are some awful sisters in the world and some of us have them, so the two aren’t antithetical. You can say, “She’s my sister AND she’s awful,” and there you have it. (Others will nod, knowing what you mean.)

10.Work with an EQ coach to get some more tips.

Good luck!