You Can Have It All (Just Not At The Same Time)

The Illusion of Perfection

I recently came across an advertisement in a local newspaper for a nearby health club. The ad featured a picture of an attractive, well-dressed woman who appeared to be pregnant. The ad highlighted her achievements: married for 12 years, mother of two with another on the way, and a successful business owner. The message was clear: she manages to take care of her family while also making time for herself by utilizing the health club’s facilities.

The Pressure to "Have It All"

There was a time when such advertisements would evoke feelings of envy, insecurity, and guilt in me. As a professional woman with a law degree, a stable job, a happy marriage, and a beautiful daughter, I often wondered why I felt so overwhelmed. Why did other women seem to juggle everything so effortlessly while I felt like I was constantly racing against the clock?

It wasn't until I had my second child and took some time off that I began to understand my feelings. I realized that many women, regardless of their professional backgrounds, felt the same way. Whether they were hair colorists or medical doctors, the disillusionment was widespread.

The Concept of "Sequencing"

A new term, "sequencing," has emerged to describe the phenomenon where women focus on different aspects of their lives at different times. This concept suggests that women should be able to step away from the workplace to concentrate on their families when needed. This idea gained traction when a medical student on a nationally syndicated program stated that she would prioritize her family over her career, even if it meant dropping out of medical school.

The Trend of "Opting Out"

Lisa Belkin's article in the New York Times about professional women "opting out" of their careers to become stay-at-home moms sparked significant discussion. However, this trend isn't limited to well-educated, professional women. According to the 2000 census, the number of children being cared for by stay-at-home moms increased by nearly 13% in less than a decade. Two-thirds of mothers aged 25 to 44 now work less than 40 hours a week. The Department of Labor even ranks full-time homemakers as the largest single job category in the country.

Public Opinion on Parenting Roles

A Gallup survey found that only 13% of respondents believed that the ideal family situation involved both parents working full-time outside the home. In contrast, 41% felt that one parent should work full-time while the other worked part-time or from home, and another 41% believed that one parent should stay at home to raise the children.

The Feminist Perspective

I firmly believe in feminist principles and the right of women to pursue any path they choose. However, I also think that women have felt pressured to emulate men to be considered equals. For decades, women have been competing in a man's world, often pushing their femininity to the background. It's time to acknowledge and celebrate the differences between the sexes.

Evolutionary Perspectives

Authors Coney & Mackey, in their 1998 article "Cultural Evolution & Gender Roles: Advantage...Patriarchy," argue that evolution favors women as primary caretakers. They suggest that societies emphasizing women's roles as mothers will eventually replace others. This theory is supported by solid research and data.

The Reality of Modern Womanhood

Men and women are inherently different, both physically and emotionally. Historically, men were hunters and gatherers, while women were nurturers. This division of roles wasn't accidental but rather a natural organization of society. Today, women feel torn between their professional and domestic roles, a conflict that men rarely experience.

The Double Burden

Women often feel the need to excel in both their careers and their roles as mothers and wives. This double burden leads to feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Men, on the other hand, have never felt the need to take on both roles simultaneously.

Embracing Domesticity

After my second daughter was born, I decided to become a stay-at-home mom. Initially, I felt like I was betraying the feminist movement. However, I soon realized that I was being true to myself. The feminist movement was about giving women the freedom to choose their paths, and I chose to focus on my family.

The Joy of Homemaking

I now find joy in domestic tasks that I never had time for before. I revel in trying new recipes and spending quality time with my children. When I fall into bed exhausted, I feel fulfilled knowing that I made a difference in my children's lives.

Conclusion

Women can be their husbands' equals without having to live in their world. We should celebrate and be proud of the differences between the sexes. As one woman interviewed for the book "And What Do You Do? When Women Choose to Stay Home" said, "I’m changing the world...one child at a time." We've come a long way, and it's time to embrace our choices with pride.

References

• Gallup Survey on Parenting Roles
• Lisa Belkin's Article on "Opting Out"
• Coney & Mackey's Article on Cultural Evolution & Gender Roles

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