CHOOSE LIKE EINSTEIN

Albert Einstein gave us a truthful, if playful, formula. He
said, "If A = success, the formula is A = X + Y with X being
work, Y being play and Z, keeping your mouth shut.”

I cannot imagine there is anyone who, at some point, has not
kicked themselves for saying something when that something would
have been better left unsaid. For most of us with any degree of
“awareness”, there is that internal voice, whispering, or
screaming, “Don’t Do It!”, and yet, out it comes. We know
better. We say it. We regret it. This apparently must have also
happened to Einstein. Now, isn’t that reassuring?

There is another quote that goes something like this: It is
easier to put a speeding bullet back into the gun, than to
recall words once they have been spoken. We’ve all experienced
the regret of the word spoken in anger, revenge or
unmindfulness. As most of us are in relationships with others
who are much like us, it is highly unlikely that their response
to our carelessly chosen words is one of sweetness and light-and
the struggle is on.

In counseling couples and giving relationship seminars, I call
this the “ten-for-the-price-of-one” approach. If we had
carefully, thoughtfully and mindfully refrained from those one
or two comments, the one conversation we were having at that
time would have stayed on track and, perhaps, been productive.
By saying those fated words, we create the opportunity to
escalate that one conversation. The tone of the conversation
changes. The issue becomes broader, usually more personally
offensive and more emotionally based. This leads us astray from
the intent of the first conversation.

Here’s an example: Mary wants to talk to John about her
discomfort when he regularly leaves the lid off the toothpaste.
She tells him that it really bothers her and, although she knows
it is her issue, she would like his help with it.

His choices: A. “Oh, I didn’t know it bothered you that much. I
love you and I will be happy to put the lid on the toothpaste.”
(This man is a paragon of virtue ready for sainthood!)

B. “Oh, tell me more about that because I don’t understand it at
all.” (He has some communication skills.)

C. “Oh, there you go again. You always have something to
complain about. You’re just like your mother. (Oops, we’re soon
likely to forget that the issue is the lid on the toothpaste!)

D. “Get over it! Get a life! or Give it up, _____!” ( We are
certainly not going to solve the ‘lid on the toothpaste’ issue
in the near future.)

Now we can have the " ten-for-the-price-of-one" conversations.
The issue will come up again and again and become an ongoing
example of Mary’s unreasonableness every time John wants to end
a conversation. Recognize this? It’s common.

Try this. Stop and take a breath before you say those fated
words that you really know may take you into a "10-for-1"
conversation. Be curious. Ask for more information. Truly listen
and intend to learn something about the other person. This has a
way of changing relationships for the better. Here’s to Albert’s
formula for success!