Here’s What Happened When I Tried To Sell My Hummer To CarMax

I recently took my Hummer(with Car Dvd) to CarMax for an appraisal, which was carried out by several helpful, perky CarMax employees who clearly thought I was certifiably insane.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that’s right: I’ve decided to bother the fine people at CarMax once again. And you’d know all about my antics if you followed me on Twitter, because I recently Tweeted an image of my Hummer in front of a CarMax location.

Regular readers also know about my CarMax capers because I’ve, uh, had some experience with them before. For instance: last year, I had CarMax appraise my Ferrari. Oh, and there’s the Range Rover I bought from CarMax with a 6-year bumper-to-bumper warranty that’s already paid out $6,500 in claims.

CarMax also has this service where they say they will buy any car you bring in, even if you don’t buy one of their cars. That’s right: they say they’ll buy any car, whether it’s a bus, or a van, or a recreational vehicle, or a Chevy Lumina, or something with a salvage title, or a vehicle that’s been serving as a home to a wild raccoon colony since the Bush years. Any car.

And that’s how I found myself driving down Interstate 76 yesterday in my Hummer, heading to a brand-new CarMax location in Turnersville, New Jersey. (Motto: Home to the third-best Applebee’s in Gloucester County!)

So I walked into the dealership and I was greeted by a helpful sales associate named Ray, who informed me that he would begin the process by going over a few details with me. He also took my Hummer key, which is just a fairly generic key with “WAL-MART” emblazoned on it. This came up later when he asked if I had “the spare key for the vehicle,” and I informed him that no, I do not, but I would be happy to head down to the local Wal-Mart and get one made. Ray did not find this as funny as I did.

Next, Ray asked about various features, and options, and equipment present in the vehicle. The answer to all these questions was no.

Then the actual appraisers came out to do a walkaround of the vehicle. Now, I figured at this point I would have these guys stumped. I figured they must spend every day appraising GMC Acadias and Honda Accords, so they would have absolutely no idea what to with a 20-year-old military-style Hummer, and maybe they would accidentally way over-value the thing, or at least refuse to drive it on account of the fact that it is approximately the same size as an NBA stadium. But this is where my plan backfired.

“Have you driven one of these before?” I jokingly asked, thinking there was no way someone had ever brought a Hummer into CarMax for an appraisal.

“Not since we used them as transport,” one of the appraisers replied.

As it turned out, both appraisers had been in the military. Not only that, but they had driven Hummers before. Not only that, but they had spent more time behind the wheel of a Hummer than I had.

“So you know how bad it is,” I said.

“It’s the worst car!” one of them said. “But also the coolest.”

The problem was, they knew exactly what to look for. They knew how to find the inboard brakes, how to shift into low-range gear, and what spots under the body would be most prone to rusting. I knew I was screwed when they walked up to the hood – which is held down by two large, intimidating exterior latches – and unlatched it with the same casual demeanor you or I might use to open a tube of toothpaste.

Next, we all piled inside the Hummer – me, Ray, and the two CarMax appraisers – and we went for a drive. Normal CarMax appraisers probably would’ve been intimidated, but these guys treated it like it was nothing. They were probably just happy they weren’t taking enemy fire.

If you don’t know much about CarMax, allow me to provide a little background: it’s a nationwide used car dealer that insists on making the car-buying process easy. You do not go to CarMax if you want to spend four hours haggling over a rear-seat Car DVD player and VIN etching. You go to CarMax if you want to be offered a bottle of cold water when you walk inside.