Simple differences in perspective can create chronic conflicts between two people – and drive them apart. Arguments or disagreements that start out small can fester and create serious resentment on both sides. This article highlights strategies for adjusting conversations so they provide the necessary information for both people involved – and therefore, they stop conflict before it starts.
People communicate differently – and sometimes very differently – based on their Perceptual Styles. The result: conversations can go from neutral to boiling hot in just a few seconds. While people can’t change their Perceptual Styles, the good news is that they can make adjustments during conversations to ensure that they get past the typical sticking points when talking with people they care about.
For example, consider a man who has boundless energy and always seems to be in motion (so much so that he has a hard time standing or sitting still!). He always has something going on, and is extremely spontaneous. His wife, on the other hand, takes action only after careful thought, after ensuring that the action fits smoothly into her intentions for the day. Whoever she is talking to has her full attention, and she doesn’t enjoy multitasking or pressured situations. The husband’s constant activity is characteristic of the Activity Perceptual Style , and the wife’s attention to the moment and loosely structured approach to each day is characteristic of the Flow Perceptual Style.
While, for the most part, their differences complement each other nicely, they also provide opportunity for conflict! The husband, for example, keeps an internal running list of things that must be done, and he delegates them to his wife. Rather than cross it off his list after delegating it to her, he continues to follow up on it – and that drives his wife crazy, because she feels like he constantly interrupts her flow with his activities.
Here’s how a typical conversation may occur:
Husband (while rushing out the door): “Honey, will you take these clothes to the cleaners for me?”
Wife: “Yes, I can do that.”
Next Morning:
Husband: “Did you take my clothes to the cleaners?”
Wife: “No, I haven’t gotten around to it yet.”
Husband: “Why not?”
Wife (defensively): “Because I haven’t. I was doing other things, OK?”
Husband (hurt): “Fine. I was just asking and needed to know if there was a problem.”
Wife: “There is now!”
Because each spouse used his or her own Perceptual Style’s communication without making adjustments for the other’s Perceptual Style, each spouse ended the conversation irritated, frustrated and confused. The husband wonders why the wife is so upset by his asking whether she took the clothes to the cleaners, and the wife feels like he thinks she let him down.
People with an Activity Perceptual Style want things done as soon as possible, whereas people with a Flow Perceptual Style fit activities into the natural order they have planned internally – so conflict may seem inevitable … and chronic. Small discussions or disagreements can easily fester into ongoing conflicts that drive a pair apart.
The solution: the husband and wife can each make small adjustments in their approach during conversations, to mitigate the potential for conflict. The key to preventing this type of chronic Perceptual Style conflict is awareness of how one’s own Perceptual Style impacts the other person, and vice versa.
In this particular case, the husband must understand that a person with Flow Perceptual Style will try to accommodate his requests, but sometimes over-commits and can’t get to everything she has agreed to. The wife, on the other hand, must understand that as a person with Activity Perceptual Style, her husband always moves fast and wants as much contextual information as possible.
Keeping this in mind, adjusting word choice and approach can make a huge difference.
Here’s a sample of the adjusted conversation:
Husband (while seated at the breakfast table): “I have some clothes that need to go to the cleaners. Would that fit into your schedule today?”
Wife: “When do you actually need the clothes? Can it wait until tomorrow or the next day?”
Husband: “I don’t really need them until next Wednesday, but I don’t want to forget about them.”
Wife: “Okay, I can make sure they will be back by then.”
Two days later:
Husband: “Just checking – did you get a chance to take my clothes to the cleaners?”
Wife: “Not yet, but I will make sure they are here by the time you need them.”
Husband: “Okay.”
Each pairing of different Perceptual Styles has different communication issues, so the necessary adjustments will differ. These “adjusted” conversations take practice, and don’t work in every single situation, but the result of ongoing adjustments can be worth the effort involved.
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