Turn Your Difficult Business Conversations into Productive Problem-Solving

How many times do you walk away from a
conversation wondering whether you’ve gotten your
point across, been understood, resolved the issue
or reached an agreement that will result in the
outcomes you want and. through the conversation,
enriched the relationship rather than constricted
it?

Robust, high-quality conversation is the linchpin
to productive work relationships in
high-performing teams, organizations and
businesses. High-stress, fast-paced,
action-oriented environments such as health care
settings can predispose to communications that are
quick, telescoped or truncated, easily leading to
misunderstanding and breakdowns in relationships,
teamwork, and organizational climate, all of which
impact employee satisfaction and customer
satisfaction.

Yet difficult conversations are a fact of life, no
matter how skillful we are at communication.
Typically we find ourselves with two
unsatisfactory options: we are anxious and
therefore take no action, which is costly, or we
overcome our anxiety and take action but in an
unhelpful way, which is also costly.

Generally what occurs is a cycle of non-agreement
in which there is a strong conflict of views about
what to do that is not expressed, leading to a
compromise “agreement” or delay. What follows are
non-existent, half-hearted or incompatible actions
that generate lousy results and mutual blame.
This then becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.

How do you actually change the course of a
difficult conversation, whereby both parties
engage in new learning that leads to productive
action? While many factors come into play, one
foundational practice can profoundly shift the
course of a difficult conversation:

The Power of Empathic Listening

One of the deepest human desires is to be listened
to, heard, and understood. Listening to others
helps them listen to you, thereby transforming the
conversation. In emotionally charged
conversations where opinions vary and the stakes
are high, empathic listening is the key. There
are three core listening skills to practice:

• Inquiry: Ask open questions that provide
information and meaning, such as “What did you
notice?” or “What did you think?” or “What
conclusions did you draw?”

• Paraphrasing: Ask questions that check your
understanding against what the other person meant,
such as “When you said this, did you mean...”

• Acknowledgment: This may be the most
under-utilized but powerful tool for defusing
negative emotions. What makes conversations
difficult is that people have strong feelings.
Acknowledgement of another’s frustration, upset,
or anger goes a long way to defusing the emotional
charge that blocks ease of communication. Phrases
such as “I can see how angry you feel” or “ If I
were in your shoes, I would probably feel just as
frustrated” honor the other person’s reality even
if you don’t agree with their perspective.

To transform a difficult conversation into
productive problem solving, uncovering assumptions
provides the key to greater mutual understanding.
Therefore, explore the other’s views and
experience first. Then share your views and
experience. Only after both parties’ views are
clear does it make sense to problem-solve.

Although it may seem counter-intuitive, the time
taken to engage in empathic listening and
respectful sharing of divergent perspectives
greatly increases the quality and speed of problem
solving. While engaging in difficult
conversations often feels risky and challenging,
the price of not having them - lost time and
productivity and less than optimal results - could
cost you and your organization far more than the
time and effort of doing so.

(c) Copyright 2003. Manya Arond-Thomas, all rights reserved.