Relationship Dating: Nobody Owns You

In the beginning of your dating relationship, you really didn't mind. Some choices were a little tough for you to make so being with someone who was decisive in what they wanted to do gave you a secure feeling. They not only set the agenda for your time together but also the tone.

And truthfully you didn't think much about it. Things ran like clockwork and both of you had a good time. That's all that counted.

That's all that counted until you had the crazy notion that maybe the other person wouldn't mind if you took the lead just this once in deciding what to do on the date and where. You scope out a place that one of your friends recommended. It looks like a lot of fun so you tell your dating partner all about it. And soon as the words leave your mouth, you wish you had not said anything.

They had things all mapped out and there's no need to change it; in fact they accuse you of trying to spoil the whole dating relationship. You tell them to slow down. All you were doing is trying to make some contribution and don't take your suggestion as law; it was just a suggestion.

That sets them off even more. Now they really take it personally. Either they start arguing more intensely or they pout like a four year old who's been told they can't have anymore candy.  Just to make peace you let them have their way. This appears to snap them out of their mood and they go about the rest of your time together like nothing happened.

If this kind of thing happens once then no worries; if it doesn't then you will have to decide whether you want to continue dating a control freak.

In his essay "Dealing with Control Freaks" Psychologist Thomas J. Schumacher writes, "Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness."

That's all well and good but now the decision for you is whether you are going to let them make you unhappy, quit the relationship or stay with them and learn to hold your ground.

Option one is no real option and you are not willing to end the relationship because you genuinely like and care for this person. That leaves number three. You want to hold your ground but fighting constantly to do it will only lead you back to option one.  

This means you are going to have to remain calm and stay as relaxed as possible. Treat your dating partner with kindness and patience.  It doesn't mean you become their personal doormat.  Make demands of them that show clearly you are neither afraid nor intimidated. Do it gently but do it.

Also if they want to control the schedule let them (for now anyway) but stay in control of the timing. For instance they want to go to a museum and then grab a bite to eat. You decide after an hour it's time to leave the museum and make your way to the restaurant; after an hour or two there you decide it's time to go. They got their way in choosing the agenda but you exercised your power by staying in control of the tempo. 

You like your dating partner a lot. You even feel like there is a potential to build a good relationship with them. But there has to be ground rules. They maybe a mass of insecurities and unhappiness but one person always getting their way in a relationship does not do anyone any good. Be patient, loving and calm yet keep in mind you have power in this partnership. Don't be afraid to use it from time to time.  Doing so will benefit the both of you.