What Do I Do If My Son Is Gay?

Finding out that your son is gay will probably have caused many different emotions to surface.

Parents can have a number of conflicting emotional reactions, including fear, being overwhelmed, anger, concern, confusion, shock, acceptance, and sadness. Having any of these emotions or reactions doesn't mean that you don't love your son, and it doesn't necessarily mean that you are a homophobic person either. People experience many things when receiving surprising news.

So, what do you do if your son is gay? There are quite a few things you can do, even though you might not be very pleased with the way your initial conversation went.

1. Make sure he knows you love him unconditionally. The 'coming out' process can be downright terrifying. Even if you are the most accepting parent in the world, your child probably feared that you would reject him, hurt him, and yes, even stop loving him, when you knew about his sexual orientation. Take some time to reflect on the amount of courage it took for him to tell you. Let him know how brave you think he is, and that your are there for him. If he didn't tell you himself, but you discovered he is gay, then reflect on what he must have gone through -- the fear and dread that made him hide his orientation from you. Your child needs your support now. Don't let him down.

2. Close your mouth and open your ears and heart. Parents have a bad habit of thinking they always know what's best and that they know the score much better than their kids do. This is a time when your child needs to be free to talk to you and share. You need to make it clear that you can TRULY listen to what he has to say. This will open the door for future talks. You son needs to know that you'll be there to listen when he needs it.

3. Watch your words. This is an extremely emotional time for both child and parent. Don't say something that you will later regret. Take a nice deep breath, and think carefully before speaking. You will both remember this conversation for the rest of your lives. If you really love your son, you'll want him to have the best possible memory of his coming out process -- even if he also recognizes that it was difficult for you.

4. Seek outside help. You may be having difficulty in processing your own feelings about your son's sexual orientation. That's okay, but it's important that you seek guidance from a trustworthy and accepting place. PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is a wonderful place to start. You can find both online and and local support systems from other people who have an LGBT loved one. (LGBT, by the way, stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans.) While it is good to have the support of people who understand first hand what you're going through, it's also wise to reach out to trusted loved ones and friends in your life for positive support.

5. Educate yourself. Apart from providing emotional support, organizations such as PFLAG also offer education and information about LGBT people. Perhaps you imagine you know everything you need to know, but the chances are there is still a lot you can learn. Ask your child to help you. This is something you can do together that will show your son that you care about him and are supportive.

6. Accept it. The very best thing you can do for both yourself and for your son is to come to terms with his sexuality. Coming to terms with the reality of your child's sexuality doesn't have to happen overnight, but you need to start working on it right now. Accept that you will not be able to change your son, and whatever emotions you're experiencing will not serve to change the situation, either.

Regardless of whether accepting the fact that your son is gay is easy or not, you do need to start working on it, step by step. Do this and your relationship with your child will be much better for it.