Day 139

Thoughts: “Its like being trapped in a shell” is how someone described to me how they feel in their body. 
How can you be present and enjoy your life if you’re not present and enjoying being inside of your very own body. I eat only foods from the Earth, and let me tell you I am still constantly challenged with being inside my body and enjoying being inside my body, and I know it’s 100 times worse if I am eating food that is produced by a machine. I know because I have been there, when I was eating chocolate and lollies and chips and takeaways and processed foods, being inside my body was a nightmare, and it’s crazy that I wanted to escape my own body. I still have those thoughts of “You will never be good enough, look good enough, have a good enough body, have good enough health”, and my question to that voice is “what do I have to ‘be good enough’ for exactly?”. That is the crazy vicious circle; it really goes nowhere, except for around and around and around and around. And why do I bother looking in the mirror to even know that before I look in the mirror that voice in my head will say disempowering things, and so I look in the mirror and sure enough they are there ‘You looked better last week’ and then if I rewind to last week I’m pretty sure last week I was lookin in the mirror saying ‘you looked better 2 weeks ago’ and if I rewind two weeks from there, I was lookin in the mirror saying ‘you looked better 1 year ago, damn can’t you go back to then, then you will enjoy your body, and so now what can you do to go back there?’ and the little voice replies with ‘You should eat this and that and not eat this and that and you should exercise more and you should detox and you need to do this...’ and blab la bla yuk...this is so tiring! Such a tiring and disempowering conversation circle that I find myself trapped in. And the impact is I am never really enjoying (in joy in) my body. No wonder we age so quickly as human beings. And get cancer, and get sick. 
Dissatisfaction kills us. So then I’m like ok right now in this moment, NOW, can I fully appreciate and love and be in joy in my body? and straight away I feel the pulse of “no your bloated, your face is puffy, you look white, you have a pimple nestled in the left side of your nose, your skin is dry, your hair is dry, you look like crap, first you need to fix all of these things before you can fully enjoy your body”. And that has been my vicious circle of thoughts for many years, I have been robbed of experiencing my own human body. I am not allowing myself to do this anymore. If I were to leave this planet today, I would be so disappointed and I would regret never actually fully enjoying and experiencing my body and health. So now every time those disempowering thoughts surface I am reminding myself that this is just a vicious circle. And I say vicious because it is tiring, and vicious in that If I didn’t catch it, if I wasn’t aware of it, it would control me, without even knowing, and then something has control over me. Now I take full responsibility and it doesn’t have me, I have it. If people kill themselves, they have let the machinery win. If I allow myself to believe doubtful thoughts I have about myself, I am letting the machinery win. 
Challenges: Not allowing the machinary to take over and be in control. 
Triumphs: I have 'it', 'it' doesn't have me. 
What I Ate Today:
Breakfast: A green apple. A beetroot, carrot, celery, ginger and apple juice. 
Lunch: An avocado with lettuce. A cucumber. Cooked beans, chick peas, lentils, black eyed peas, beans beans beans. 
Dinner: Indian, rice with Dahl (cooked lentils)
Dessert: Chocolate balls. 
Snacks: Orange. 
Exercise: Working on set "The Man In The Maze" ;) walkin in the Alabama woods :)