How to Respond if Cancer Returns

Being given a second diagnosis of cancer is very different from the first time. The first time a person gets cancer, they often have a lot of fight in them. That may also be true for a repeat diagnosis, but often the person feels different – and so may you. 

The first time cancer is diagnosed anything is possible, even if the diagnosis is given at a late stage. If your loved one has been given a second cancer diagnosis then that means they recovered the first time around. It may be that they can recover again; but it could be harder for them both physically and emotionally. Physically they may be exhausted from their earlier treatments, with their immune system at a low. Emotionally they may also be weary, tired of fighting. Your loved one may dread beginning again on the round of treatment they have endured in the past. My mother-in-law has said she’s not sure she could face up to going through the chemotherapy again, especially as she knows all too well what to expect. Of course no one can say now how she would really feel if that day came. 

It can be much harder for the person with cancer (and you) to find hope the second time around in the face of proof that their earlier recovery did not last. The further diagnosis shows that not all cancer cells had been destroyed, or that the body wasn’t able to prevent further cancer developing. You may both feel that the outlook is different this time, but don’t assume that all is lost. The cancer host may be able to try a different approach and get better results. 

It is little wonder that your loved one may feel gloomy in this situation, and this can be challenging for you. You might feel they should show the same fight and resolve they did before – after all if they beat the disease once then they can again. But don’t blame them if they can’t feel that way. It may seem to the cancer host that their earlier treatments only bought them time, not a cure. They could be unsure whether it is worth suffering those treatments again, if the cancer is going to get them sooner or later anyway. 

Your loved one has the right to have those thoughts, weigh up those options and make that decision. If they are tired of fighting; if they are ready to let go; if they want to simply die with dignity, then that is their decision – however hard you may find it.

If someone does feel like that, they may find it hard to tell you so. They may believe they are letting you, or the medical team down. My mother felt a little like this after my father paid for them to attend the Bristol Cancer Centre (now Penny Brohn Cancer Care). She worried that he had spent a lot of money for them to go to the Centre, and thought she was letting him down somehow by not recovering. 

In this type of situation, it will help if you have already built up a relationship where your loved one can say absolutely anything. The greatest gift you can give someone who feels this way is to hear what they say, and be open and honest with them in return.  If they are able to make this a conscious choice, they will feel they have some control. With that power of choice, even their death can be improved.

Hearing the first diagnosis of cancer was depressing, but you and your loved one may have steeled yourself to the challenge and felt a sense of exhausted euphoria when they were found to be cancer free. A second diagnosis may be equally depressing to you, but doubly depressing to the person with cancer. To be most supportive of your loved one, you must be prepared to listen to their wishes even if they conflict with yours.