Cashing In On Canoodling!

- By Theolonius McTavish, a patently absurd roving reporter with oodles of time on his hands to engage in spurious shenanigans likes this one -

Relationship experts abound these days (sort of like mushrooms after a heavy rainfall). Is love really in the air ...or am I just running on fumes from my old jaolopy?

Move over Oprah and Dr. Phil!

At long last their luscious bit of lip has spread northward to the "Land of Cold" (also home to a rather fine book entitled, “Sex in the Snow”, -- or all the facts you ever wanted to know about how Canucks frump in the hollyfuds in below zero temperatures).

Okay, so you’re not interested in fanciful “Frosty the Snowman” stories, icky “Ice Cream Queen” tales or “Santa Claus” (and his affair with an Abominable Person of Snow).

Since Cupid is on the loose, family and relationship therapists have decided it’s high time to cash in on the canoodling craze. They’re now offering free, 50-minute marriage check-ups from February 14-18 (during Valentine’s Week) in Victoria, British Columbia (which is incidentally also the capital city of the "Land of Flakes, Nuts, and Fruitcakes").

So, what might a customer expect from a therapeutic couples’ session? Perhaps, handy hints on how to maintain your one-size-fits-all vixen vehicle or slightly rusty pimp mobile? Or maybe how to avoid pratfalls and speed-bumps (or "sleeping policemen") during a romp through the Tunnel of Love and around the Garden of Eden raceway?

If marriage checkups are like vehicle inspections, then peeking under the hood and glancing at the maintenance records of any pre-owned vehicle is always a good idea. And taking a new vehicle out for a spin before purchasing it is wise plan of action. But, doing an “all points” check on one’s marriage relationship? That requires some heavy duty pondering and light-hearted reflection.

Can’t you just see those advertisements now.

-- Better late than never to examine your “wheels” …'cause you never know when you’ll need to roll right out of town fast.

-- Check those “fluid levels” … after all, springing a leak could put a damper on things, not to mention leave you with a big mess and a hefty clean-up bill attached.

-- And don't forget to inspect your “crank shaft”... on second thought, that could be a real downer -- try something easier like "spark plugs" (...to see where your get-up-and-go got up and went silly willy).

So, if anyone called Cupid offers you a time-limited, “two-for-one” deal -- like a free-marriage check-up together with a complete tune-up, oil change and lube job –- I’d jump at the chance.

Remember, the squeaky wheel always gets the grease. So, make sure you stock up on lots of Love Potion #9. After all, love will still make the world go round (especially when they run out of oil)!

And if that doesn’t work, just pick up a copy of “Sex in the Snow” –- it’s great bedtime reading material. Just make sure you consume it with a plucky partner who also adores a plate full of sugar-free crumbly cookies, and a glass of cold, lactose-free 2% milk.