Gung Hay Fat Choy!

It’s time to dance with Dragons, bang on the drums, light those fancy firecrackers (left over from Halloween), crack open the fortune cookies, and let’s have a bash – ‘cause the "Rooster’s" back in town!

For those of you who haven’t got a clue what’s going on, the party animals are out in full force. This year, “Rooster” rules the roost! And, that means anyone born in 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993 and of course, the newborn "Roosters" of 2005.

Yo there Chinese astrology fans, if you recall, “Rooster” is the third from the end of the 12-year Chinese Zodiac cycle of crazy critters including first the Rat, then Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Sheep, Monkey, (Rooster -- sometimes called Bird or Cock) followed by, Dog and Boar.

Actually “Roosters” are easy to spot. They’re perky, plucky, punctual creatures who don’t need alarm clocks or wake-up calls from the front-desk hotel clerk. These conventional critters have also been known to cut a mean tango, twist, or two-step on the dance floor at weddings, retirements and wakes.

Besides preening their feathers and admiring themselves way too long in the mirror every day, "Roosters" are flashy dressers. By the way, keep your eyes peeled for anyone wearing spiked heels, black fishnet stockings, sparkly mini skirt and matching halter-top with maximum cleavage. And, watch out for a buns-of-steel stud with a colorful rooster tattoo on his right bicep, wearing nothing but a shoe-string thong or skimpy loincloth. No, it's not a figment of your vivid imagination ...it's just a couple of "Roosters" doing what comes naturally!!

For those interested in more far-flung fowl facts, take a wee peek below.

In the meantime, suffice to say that all those “lady” birds earn their keep by laying oodles of eggs for Farmer Brown. (Lord knows why these "lucky ladies" get a bad rap as “hen-peckers”; no doubt Farmer Brown had something to do with it). On the other hand, the clucking “cocks”, (who spend most of their time fluffing up their feathers or sidling up to the hens offering them the best bugs and worms in the barnyard), usually end up as “roasters” -- on the supermarket shelf or in a KFC bucket!

"Roosters" tend be a tad eccentric, self-oriented, outspoken barnyard creatures, and why not. Who else is consumed with devising yet another bird-brained, “stroke of genius” scheme that no one else can pull off? When not doing dashing detective work, playing Doctor-Do-Little or Naughty Nurse Nellie, or rummaging around in people’s heads as a high-priced success coach (psychiatrist in another life), "Roosters" often get lost in a favorite pastime -- deep-musing -- which is second only to frolicking about in bucolic settings with pretty young chicks.

When it comes to choosing lovely libertines or life-time companions, "Roosters" are a rather discerning lot. Not any creature will do thank you. Just keep those fowl-challenged folk (like the rambuctious, twitchy-nosed "Rabbit") well away from those ripsnorting Red "Roosters" -- pleeease!!

The best mates for "Roosters" are "Snakes". Just avoid talking about Adam and Eve, or the snake in the Garden of Eden apple; it spoils the Rooster's appetite. And whatever you do, make sure you don't introduce any snake oil sales associates, snake charmers, and snakes in the grass ... or there will be hell to pay! If you don't know any venomless serpents, try "Oxes". Every "Rooster" needs to find a beautiful if not brave beast of burden willing to plod along affectionately, and not to complain too loudly about having to share a load of smelly organic material from the barnyard of life.

And as a final note, in order to keep your rooster happy, just follow these three things:

1. Let them be Cock of the Walk/Wok for one day. (Heck, that’s the least you can do; after all, they know how to keep time, do the runway thing, and cook stir fried meals for guests -- you don’t)!

2. Listen to their cock and bull stories. (They desperately need an appreciative audience and besides, you don’t really mind being entertained by a Big Bad Rooster do you!)

3. Warm the cockles of their hearts like there’s no tomorrow; you’ll have a fabulous feng-shui friend to play with for at least the next 365 days, or possibly a lifetime and beyond -- provided you blow sweet nothings softly in his/her ear. (And don’t forget, this advice also works well on February 14th, "Valentine’s Day", another occasion to try out all the really neat adult toys, chocolate candy kisses, and little red hearts.)

May the Feng-Shui Force Be With You This Year, and before I forget ...

GUNG HAY FAT CHOY!

WISHING YOU HAPPINESS AND PROSPERITY THROUGHOUT 2005!