Sequnned Suits & Platform Boots

Fancy coming up to my bedroom? There isn’t a chair but the bed’s comfy. You can lie down on it if you like but take the pink nylon bedspread off first or my ol’ lady’ll go bananas and knock you for six!

So what do you think then? Do you like my room? I'm a teenager now y'know - you’ll find no daft kittens on my wallpaper, thank you! Oh no, those huge orange and pink flowers are very modern, especially as they’re teamed with a bright pink nylon carpet and orange curtains. But have you noticed the ceiling? Every other polystyrene ceiling tile’s painted orange. Is that cool or what?

So now you’re here, what do you fancy doing? Oh, you want to look in my wardrobe? Hmmm… there are a few “embarrassments” in there, but they’ll probably be stuffed at the back so you won’t see them and hopefully I’ll have something there to impress you with. How would I live with the shame if you thought my clothes weren’t trendy?

It’s quite a nice wardrobe isn’t it? Notice the agreeable combination of white and teak formica? And what do you think of those funky looking V-shaped brass look knobs? Yes, I realise that some of the brass colour’s flaking off and you can see the plastic underneath, but on the whole it’s nice, don’t you think?

I’m just gonna have to move this whopping great velvet donkey out of the way or I won’t get the wardrobe door open. My uncle went to Spain y’know, on one of those package tours that are all the rage at the moment. Went on a plane he did, and brought me back this donkey. It’s stuffed with straw and its plastic eyes come out but we’re not fussed about safety standards and all that so I was dead chuffed with it. There’s a little flamenco lady on the dressing table, if you’re interested. Be careful not to mess up her dress though.

Sorry? What did you say? Oh, you’re still waiting to see my gear! I’ll just get some out for you and chuck ‘em on the bed. Those striped tank tops are nice aren’t they? The brown, orange and yellow one’s really nice, but the purple and pink one’s my favourite. I usually wear it with this pink suede mini skirt. Mind you, lurex is all the rage at the moment, so I wear these black and silver bell-bottoms quite a bit too, usually with this black satin blouse and my white leather-look Donny Osmond cap. Not that I like Donny Osmond, but the cap’s cool. The trousers look a bit long but that’s because they’re made to be worn with platform shoes. Mum says I’ll break my ankle wearing ‘em, but if she thinks I’m gonna wear those awful Clark’s t-bar shoes she bought me, she’s got another think coming. Oh look, my old red bibbed hotpants! I’d almost forgotten I had those. They’ve kind of gone out of fashion a bit now, but I lived and died in them last summer. To be honest, I’m trying to persuade my mum to buy me a mohair tonic skirt. Y’know, that iridescent material that’s all the go at the moment? My mate’s got a suit, but I know I won’t get that so a skirt’s gonna have to do. I’ll need a Ben Sherman to go with it though.

I’ve got some t-shirts and things in my dressing table drawers, and if you like, you can have a look through my make-up bag. The glitter eye shadow’s pretty cool, especially the purple one. If you can’t find it on the dressing table it’ll be on the floor next to my hairdryer. Y’know, one of those with a huge plastic hood that fills up with warm air when you attach it to the blower. I used to wish my mum would buy me a proper hairdryer though, cos getting your hair to flick under at the bottom with one of those isn’t easy y’know, but since I had my hair cut in a DA (duck’s arse - so named because of the layering at the back) I don’t really use it much.

Oh, careful! You just knocked my jewellery box down. It’s mostly tat but I like the chokers, especially the royal blue velvet one with a cameo stuck on the front. I wear the mood ring sometimes too.

Hold on a second. Don’t open that cupboard or everything’ll fall out. It’s just full of old ‘Jackie’ and ‘Popswop’ magazines and old games. What games? Oh, y’know, the usual sort of thing… mousetrap and ker-plunk are in there, and I think I’ve still got Twister. There’s a pair of clackers in there too, but mum doesn’t like me using them. She says they’re dangerous, that you can break your fingers with ‘em, but I think it’s just the racket they make that she can’t stand. Look… please don’t open it…. Oh no! You’ve gone and found my old Cindy dolls. No, I don’t play with them anymore, but I haven’t the heart to chuck ‘em either. I used to have a Tiny Tears doll too y’know, but my so-called friend pulled her head off. If you fed her a bottle of water she actually peed herself.

Look, why don’t we just listen to some music? I’ve got a cassette player on the shelf and I’ve taped some really good tracks off my albums. We only have a radiogram downstairs so I can’t do any direct taping, but holding the microphone close enough to the speakers works pretty well. That’s how I get music off the radio y’know. The radiogram sods up your records a bit, but only because of the stacking. When you keep dropping them down on each other they end up scratched. It’s always a laugh playing a 33rpm album at 45 though. Ours has 75rpm on it too, so mum can play her old Mario Lanza LPs. I wish she wouldn’t though. Dad says he’s gonna get a proper music centre, one with a clear vinyl lid, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Here’s a good cassette. I’ll just pop it on. That’s the dog barking in the background, but you can still hear the music ok. I’m a bit fed-up with Sweet now coz my mate kept playing Ballroom Blitz over and over for two whole days, so I’ll just fast forward past that one. There, Alvin Stardust’s better. Oo, oo, my cooca choo… nah nah nah. The Glitterband are the best though. They’re Gary’s backing band but have become quite famous in their own right since releasing Angel Face. The drummer’s drop dead gorgeous. Oh… just the thought of those biceps! I’ve been to a few of their concerts y’know and met a couple of the band. Not Pete though, I'm still working on that. It’s dead easy to find our where pop stars live – you just look ‘em up in the phone book. Hardly anybody’s ex-directory. I bet they’ve got those cool-looking tow-tone Trimfones too.

Oh don’t put that tape on. It’s just old Jackson 5 and David Cassidy stuff. Y’know, somebody predicted that Michael Jackson’s skin would eventually turn white but I don’t believe it. Here… put this one on instead. It’s full of Rubettes, Mud, Wizzard and T-Rex. Did I tell you about my mate’s big sister’s friend? Evidently she’s a Rubette groupie! Her and her mate follow them around on tour and sleep with them after concerts. Can you believe that? I’d call them slappers but the term hasn’t been invented yet so tarts’ll have to do. Some of the boys would probably call them slags but I hate that word.

Anyway, I’ve gotta go out soon. My dad’s driving me round to my mate’s house in his Cortina (I wish he’d get a Capri) cos we’re going to the pictures to see “Stardust” tonight. David Essex is in it y’know. Oh, he’s got gorgeous eyes! I hung some furry dice in my dad’s car once, but he took them out. The man just doesn’t have taste!

If you fancy visiting the 70s again, you’re welcome to pop round any time. I probably won’t be in, but mum’ll look after you. You might have to sit and watch “The Golden Shot” with her though, if you can put up with Bob Monkhouse that is.

Now where did I put my Yardley perfume…..?