I Want a Cold!

"Honey, can I have a cup of lemon tea," my wife asked me the
other day. Normally, my wife doesn't ask me to do anything,
knowing my laziness has no bounds. But my wife had a cold - a
very bad cold.

For most illnesses, my wife would just "suck it up" and get her
cute little behind out of bed, fully realizing that nothing would
get done around the house without her. But today, she was
lingering beneath the bed covers. That's how I knew she was really
sick.

My wife is tougher than Randall "Tex" Cobb on his best day (and
for those of you who don't know who Randall "Tex" Cobb is - shame
on you!). Her finely developed sense of martyrdom compels her to
force herself into activity, even in the face of the killer cold.
Being the caring husband that I am (and not wanting her germs
spread through the entire house), I suggested she stay in bed.

So, even though it was a Sunday, which is a very inconvenient day
for her to be sick (because I usually park my large, ugly behind
on my favorite chair and watch TV all day), I knew I would have
to "suck it up" and do something feared by most men. Parenting.

For me, watching the kids for an entire day is nothing short of
exhausting. And the kids don't seem to want to make it any easier
for me. You'd think they'd just sit there and watch TV all day,
like Daddy.

But no. They want me to feed them. I made my first blunder by
asking what they wanted to eat. "Pancakes," shouted my daughter.
"Buttery eggs," shouted my son. "How about cereal?" shouted Daddy.
Unfortunately, since I'd already made the mistake of asking, I
was trapped.

Lucky for me, my wife has the good sense to purchase microwave
pancakes and egg beaters just for these kinds of emergencies. I was
saved from forcing Cocoa Puffs down the kids' throats, and after
getting most of the dishes into the sink, I tried to sit down and
watch TV with the kids.

"I want to watch Nickelodeon," griped my son. "I want to watch the
Disney Channel," moaned my daughter. "I want to watch ESPN," I whined.
Right away, they knew to ignore me. So it became a contest of evenly
matched opponents.

The next 15 minutes involved both of them trying to make their cases
to me while attempting to harass or cajole the other to their side.
I finally put an end to it by switching to ESPN. Instantly, they were
comrades in arms, and presented a united front in their TV viewing
preference.

I went upstairs to see if the wife was feeling any better (in hopes
that she would come downstairs and relieve me of my parenting misery).
She was still sleeping, but I'm pretty sure she could hear my
footsteps and closed her eyes as I approached. Note to self - get
some slippers with a soft sole.

Having "made" breakfast, I decided to save myself a little work and
hit the drive-thru at McDonald's. Even a decision as simple as taking
the easy way out and feeding my kids fat-laden fast food is an exercise
in humility.

You can't just order a regular meal with my kids. My daughter won't
eat cheese and doesn't like onions on her burger. My son won't eat
anything but cheese and bread, so I have to order a cheeseburger
without the meat, onions, ketchup, mustard, or pickles. Just cheese and
a bun. And God forbid if you forget to ask for a girl's toy for her and
a boy's toy for him.

I don't know how my wife does it. I couldn't even relax after lunch
because the kids had other plans. They wanted to play games. We decided
to play Funny Bunny. This game makes Chutes and Ladders seem like chess,
involving no skill whatsoever. I still couldn't win.

Having exhausted my supply of stupid game patience, I went and checked
on the wife. She was starting to feel a little bit better, so she asked
me to bring her some more tea and to prop up her pillows so she could
watch some Lifetime chick-flick movie.

I think I'll use her toothbrush tonight to see if I can catch her cold.
Seems like a pretty good gig. At least it's a heck of a lot easier
than parenting.

(c)2003 Chuck Smith. All rights reserved.