WARNING: SATIRE. The following is piece on the pros and cons of inhaling asbestos fibers, enjoy.
If you’re anything like the bulk of hard working, red blooded americans then you’ve been here before. You were probably rolling around in the pink insulation stuff lining the floors, walls and ceiling of your attic. You might have felt a tickle in your throat and thought “Hey, what the heck is the deal with asbestos anyways?”
They just don’t teach you that in school.
What can you believe? Is this asbestos stuff really safe to breathe? Should you avoid breathing altogether? Is there any hope left? This article is intended to help you weigh your options and hopefully help you to make the right choices in your life.
Pros of Inhaling Asbestos No.1: Puns
The first advantage to having lots of asbestos in your lungs is all the puns you can make. For example, next time you’re at the bar with your friends you can say “Hey barkeep! Another round for me and my asbestos friends!” He won’t know what you’re talking about, but your friends will think you’re so funny and they will compliment you on how funny you are. Try to think of some asbestos puns of your very own! It’s ok to take a little while to think of some good ones, people will understand as long as you try your asbestos.
Cons of Inhaling Asbestos No.1: Mesothelioma
Inhaling asbestos is linked to developing a cancer of the pulmonary lining called Mesothelioma. Very little can be done to treat this and you will probably die.
Pros of Inhaling Asbestos No.2: Swagger
If you’re like me, you were always awesome and cool. But maybe you aren’t like me and you need somebody to tell you about swag. Well, there’s two things you have to know. First, Shakespeare invented the word “swagger”. Second, when you inhale asbestos it never leaves your lungs, ever! Asbestos is totally swag to the max, by the way. It’ll be like having the inside of your lungs completely iced out with diamonds or jewels! If you inhale enough asbestos you’ll start coughing up sparkly blood and people on the street will be all like “Oh my god! Are those lungs Versace?” Technically your lungs won’t be Versace, but no one will know the difference.
Cons of Inhaling Asbestos No.2: Asbestosis
Asbestosis is a chronic lung disease characterized by a scarring of lung tissues, which leads to long-term breathing complications. The disease does not have a cure. You will probably die.
Pros of Inhaling Asbestos No.3: YOLO
You only live once. We’ve always known this. Once you’re born you start living and once you start living you begin the slow crawl to death! Wow! It’d appear that there’s never been a better (or worse) time to inhale a bunch of asbestos. I mean, at a certain point you have to just start living and taking risks. You’ll be surprised how your life may improve if you simply just start saying yes to things! You only live once and to truly live is to not allow ourselves to be destroyed by our mortality. Perhaps, if you are brave, you will not be diminished by it either. YOLO.
Cons of Inhaling Asbestos No.3: Death
Seriously, don’t inhale asbestos. It isn’t funny, there are no pros to inhaling asbestos and you will die. See cons 1 & 2 above.
