Conflict at 36,000 ft

Flight 63, departing from Houston, was supposed to be one of those sleepy flights that leaves late, crosses two time zones, and arrives at 11:00 p.m. But it wasn't.

Yes, everyone is okay. Yet the three hour delay, a night in jail for one of the passengers, and a lawsuit could all have been avoided.

Here's the story and the lessons we can learn from it.

The passenger sitting across the aisle from me asked for a drink of water. Apparently the attendant walked by, ignoring her request.

So the passenger went to the front of the plane to obtain a drink of water. An argument followed and the passenger returned to her seat, wrapped herself in a blanket, and lay down.

A second attendant approached and the passenger announced, "I've been harassed and I'm going to file a complaint.

"This attendant left and the first attendant came to the passenger and demanded, "What's your problem?" The passenger replied, "Leave me alone." The attendant repeated her question, "What's your problem?" The passenger replied, "Leave me alone." This exchange went back and forth a few times and then the attendant said, "You're a freak. I'm going to have you taken off the plane."

After the attendant left, the passenger sat up. She faced me and said, "You're a witness. You have to tell the truth about what happened." Tears flowed down her cheeks.

We talked. In the course of our conversation I helped her calm down and I counseled her to tell the attendants that she felt fine, that she was no longer upset, and that she was sorry for anything that she might have said. I suggested that if she behaved otherwise, the attendants would use her actions as evidence against her.

When we landed in El Paso (a scheduled stop), an airline representative asked the passenger to leave the plane. The passenger was met by police on the exit ramp who took her to the police station in the airport and placed her in jail. Hours later four agents from the FBI came to interview the passenger, me (as a witness), and the attendants.

The next day the FBI released the passenger because they concluded that she was innocent. I know this because she phoned me the day after to thank me for my help.

Lesson One. This event illustrates the psychology of disrespect. When a person is treated with disrespect, they feel a loss of freedom. Loss of freedom feels like a threat, which causes fear. Most people respond to fear with anger.

In this case, both people perceived disrespect. The passenger was attacked with a hostile question ("What's your problem?"). The attendant didn't receive an answer.

Lesson Two. Sometimes disrespect starts a nasty sequence of actions. Powerful Party A treats weaker Party B with disrespect. Party B reacts by complaining or counterattacking. And then Party A punishes Party B for reacting.

People in positions of authority have an extra responsibility to apply effective, respectful communication skills. If they don't do this, they can make criminals out of innocent people. The attendant, for example, could have avoided the entire situation by reflecting the passenger's emotions instead of attacking her behavior.

Lesson Three. In our relationships, we want to avoid starting situations where we must depend upon the other person to respond with greater maturity or decency that we have demonstrated.

For example, angry bosses and hostile colleagues depend upon their targets to refrain from retaliation.

Lesson Four. If you are treated with disrespect, you must avoid counterattacking. This breaks the cycle and prevents you from taking actions that could warrant punishment. In general, you want to be the most mature, most decent person in any conversation or exchange.