The Orange Marmalade Lid Secrets Of The GURUs

Ever notice how the first ten paragraphs of every sales pitch you
read online are the same?

Ever notice how the first two pages of most ebooks or info
reports you get are the same?

If you think about it, I'm certain you can tell me exactly what it is
they all go over, can't you?

Of course you can. What is it they ALL talk about?

All together now...

"The DREAM of Making It BIG!!!"

They begin with the compassionate approach about how
frustrating it is to know the 'BIG' marketers are all getting rich
and you are not. Then, they describe to you the details of "The
DREAM of Making It BIG!!!". You know, more money,
more power, influence, time and freedom. Then, they close with
how what they have to offer will get you 'over the hump' and
well on your way to realizing your dream.

Ok fine, the compassion bit is aimed at making a connection
with you. That's good, we've discussed how that is important
before. The closing where they offer to speed you on your way
toward realizing your goals is fine, too. If they have a good
product and believe it will help people then fine, say as much.

But...

Why do we have to go over the details of "The DREAM of
Making It BIG!!!" every stinking time?

What, you don't think I KNOW why it is I'm here to begin
with? You don't think I have that dream right there in the front
of my mind at all times?

Why in the 'h-e-double Eiffel Tower toothpicks' do you think
I'm sitting at my computer at two in the morning reading your
stupid ebook in the first place?!

Why do we have to spend all that time at the start of every
sales letter and every ebook going over the details of "The
DREAM of Making It BIG!!!" again and again and again?

Can't we just skip the obvious and get to the point? Can't we
just get to the heart of what you are offering or what it is you are
trying to teach me?

Why indulge in all that fluff? Get to the meat! Just think of how
many electronic trees you could save if you didn't use so many
electronic pages!

Unless, wait, is this a contest or something? It's that why
everyone spends so much time laying out their version of "The
DREAM of Making It BIG!!!"? Is it just a contest to see who
can drum up the best description of The DREAM? To see who
can best describe the ultimate in Internet marketing success?

Well, in that case, move over GURUs! Move over you piddley
little haphazard metaphor for financial freedom writing fools!

The MAN is here.

Feast your eyes, my friends, on "The TRUE, Ultimate DREAM
of Making It BIG!!!" I mean after all, I am the BEST writer (of
my own articles) the Internet has ever seen!

Stand back ye flies! Let the true exponentially exciting, yet not
necessarily true, DREAM writing begin!

---------

Frustrated, are you?

Do you lay awake at night, restless, because you have not yet
discovered the secret for driving hordes of herds of countless
of maniacally insane amounts of credit card waving traffic to
your web site?

Do you long to know the secrets of the Internet GURUs who
have already taken $250 out of your bank account so you can
take $25000 out of each of their accounts as a bribe for not
giving those secrets away to others?

Well, then, I know exactly how you feel because I, too, felt that
frustration just this last week. That is before I discovered the
secrets of the GURUs written on the lid of a jar of orange
marmalade I got out of my granny's cellar.

But now! Because I'm such a nice, young, rich, handsome, well
put together, did I mention rich, generous man who desires
MORE influence, MORE power, MORE women who want to
feed me grapes, an unspeakably large lawn filled with malicious
Dobermans, and a second private jet just in case my wife feels
like eating dinner in a different country than I do... I am going to
GIVE you those secrets!

Yes, if you long to hear the whining sound of your banker saying
"No! Please, not more money! Take it away, we can't handle
any more!"... then I suggest you listen up.

I would, out of the kindness of my heart, just send each of you
the original lid from the orange marmalade jar for free, so you
could learn the secrets for yourself at no charge, but, well,
Granny just re-used that lid to put up some nice gooseberry jelly
and she says we can't open it again for at least six months or "it
won't have been worth the cannin', young man!"

Fortunately for you, though, I recorded those secrets in digital
form before they met with the gooseberries. And I will GIVE
them to you in that digital form. However, since I hate typing
I'm going to have to charge each of you $59.95 for the five
minutes I had to spend transcribing from the lid.

But no matter! That's such a small price to pay when you
consider that after applying these secrets you'll be able to:

1. Buy Earth from God and implement a gravity tax.
2. Determine the outcome of all of TV's reality shows according
to your whim and pleasure and who you think The Bachelor
should have married.
3. Merge the companies of Coca-Cola and Pepsi and name the
resulting soft drink Poca-Epsi, just because you feel like it.
4. Rule the Internet with an Iron Mouse, tearing down any web
site that does not bear a link to one of yours on at least every
other line of text... and a picture of SpongeBob.
5. Never have to pay for car insurance again! (well, I think that
would be cool anyway)

However, those are just a few of the dreams you'll get to
realize. There will be more because you'll have ultimate power.
You'll know everything, and get to be everything. In fact, you'll
be the most sought after individual on the planet!

That's right! Forget Yanik Silver, you'll be Yanik Gold! Forget
Frank Garon, you'll be Frank Baron! Forget Terry Dean, you'll
be Terry President! Forget Mark Joyner, you'll be Mark Joyful!

Yes, FREE access to the Orange Marmalade Lid Secrets Of
The GURUs ebook is yours for only a small transcription fee of
$59.95.

But wait there's more....

Well, not really, but who cares? You've already got everything!

With the Orange Marmalade Lid Secrets Of The GURUs
ebook YOU WILL Be SUPREME!!!! Or Your Money Back!!
(minus the cost of shipping and handling and the payment on my
Ferrari, of course)

---------

Now then, contest over, right? I am the King. If anyone dares
to get into a contest of inflated writing with me, they will soon
find themselves floating away like a hot air balloon on a cold
morning. Am I right?

So, no longer do we need to recap all the details of "The
DREAM of Making It BIG!!!" at the beginning of every sales
letter and ebook.

OK?

We ALL know what it is we dream of. You don't have to tell
us. So, from now on, PLEASE, just get to the point!

You know, like I always do.

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*written by Joe Bingham of NetPlayNewsletters.com
For more 'Marketing Humor' and 'Straight Edge' marketing information,
download Joe Bingham's FREE e-book
"A Cynic's Guide To Understanding Internet Marketing"
http://www.netplaynewsletters.com Go Now!
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