There must be millions of thieves behind bars wondering where it all went wrong. Following the traditional methods of separating the vulnerable from their valuables like beating up old ladies, burgling homes, etc., more often than not they fell foul of the law. All they really need to do is move with the times.
Today, with a criminal mind and a modicum of PC savvy the ungodly can do the crime without doing time in the largely unregulated Internet sector simply by forming a company and setting up a website. The Information Highway is swarming with highwaymen disguised as businessmen and racketeers rejoicing in the title entrepreneur, relieving the unwary and naïve of their hard-earned possessions. Meanwhile the law, ever respectful of the man in the suit, hovers by the roadside scratching it's head, unable or unwilling to distinguish between villain and victim.
There's a multitude of businesses to choose from. Creativity, or the ability to lie glibly, is much more important than acquired skill. Why not try publishing and kill two birds with one stone? If you still have the manuscript of that potential best seller, the one that's frayed around the edges from bouncing from one slush pile to another - hey, you could be your own first customer!
Know-how is not an essential requirement. If the old people you mugged in their home believed you were from the electricity company after glancing at a fake ID, trust me, in the virtual world you can convince frustrated writers that you're the Second Coming. For Fake ID read Impressive Website and it's a known fact that most people who can string more than two words together believe they "have a book in them." Tell them it's true by offering to give their work the chance it deserves and they're hooked! Editing? Isn't that what a PC spell-checker does?
You'll need an accountant and a lawyer, preferably Mafia trained; also a hook-up with a printing house that specialises in print-on-demand (that's like a highly sophisticated PC printer), so you don't have big print runs to worry about. "Sell a few - print a few" is your maxim and be sure to get cash up front. A "no returns" policy means no wastage. Big retail outlets, especially those that are Internet-based, will come running. Use their names in your advertising to impress the authors while convincing them that their books will adorn the shelves of the main bricks and mortar bookstores - they'll love that line.
Your web pages will be selling a dream, so don't let the truth spoil your marketing presentation. Tell those would-be authors that you're a TRADITIONAL publisher, and then offer royalties and a dollar up front to "legitimise" the claim. You can say you're the nation's Number One if you like - an equally meaningless phrase. Let them have two free copies of their own book for review purposes. Add something about sending out reviews then hit them with the clincher - ABSOLUTELY NO PUBLISHING FEE REQUIRED. All website promises can be modified later as you see fit.
Now get your hard hat on because you're about to be drowned in a deluge of slush. Sure, there's a danger that you may sign up some writers with real talent (Travis Tea's "Atlantic Nights" - http://critters.critique.org/sting/ -springs to mind ) but don't let the thought scare you into reading a complete manuscript. This is a hit and run, mass production operation where quantity rules over quality. Send a standard patronising acceptance. While they're still floating on cloud nine, get their signatures on an airtight seven-year contract and, WHATEVER ELSE YOU DO, make sure they give you get a list of up to 100 of their friends and family members for pre-publication targeting. Because of the prohibitive cover price you will impose, those people could be the only ones who buy the book, besides of course the author - your main target - who will have little option but to spend as much as he can afford on bulk-buying his own product for re-sale. These sales don't earn royalties. Soon you will have deprived victims of their prized possessions and all but emptied their wallets, without resorting to violence or attracting the attention of the police.
Show them their book covers with their names proudly displayed. Now they really do believe in miracles and the gushing email letters from your new authors might make you doubt your own criminal credentials. Copy and paste them into your website immediately, on a page headed "Testimonials." Where else could you acquire so much free publicity available for reference when ungrateful hacks questions your motives? They'll start to worship your logo so give them a church where they can pay homage. Supply an Authors Message Board. Here they will exchange books and website links and discuss all sorts of trivial things like how grateful they are to have a book published without editing or critique. A few resident cheerleaders will emerge, thankful to be big fish in a very shallow literary pond. Eventually many will post messages that might prove thought provoking. Remove these messages immediately and ban such troublemakers from the cult forum! Grateful newbies will always outnumber those who have wised up. DIVIDE AND RULE! Those messages will be amongst your website's prime assets and you will link to them ad nauseam in your standard "don't take that tone with us" email letters sent to the whiners under the oxymoron "Author Support." Ignore most of the disparaging communications whether by email or snail mail and never use your own name in correspondence or on your website if you can avoid it. Your new names will be Author Support Team and Info Centre.
Incredible though it may seem, some of the more affluent will let you mug them over and over again, while the more discerning might employ a lawyer to demand the return of their material. Berate them for their ignorance of the publishing world, but if they carry a real threat offer to release them, but only if they sign an agreement to keep their mouths shut. Where else but in the DOT COM world could you force a victim to beg to have his or her own property returned?
A Company name? Universal Publishing? Publish the World? How does PublishAmerica grab you? Sounds just about right, doesn't it? But a word of caution; even Internet scams tend to have a limited life span, so when the search engines that brought new customers start generating links to websites exposing your racket then you know the day of reckoning is nigh. It will be painful, but you must accept the fact that the scam has run its course and release your writers from their contracts before you suffocate in a heap of lawsuits.
Enjoy! While it lasts.
