4 Steps to Assertive Communication

“Dr. Fiore,” my 42 year old married patient (Mary) began, “once again
my family expects me to host Christmas dinner and I am simply too
exhausted; what should I do?”

“Why not tell them how you feel?” I asked.

“Because I don’t want to hurt their feelings – I always feel guilty if
I don’t do what is expected of me.”

Lack of communication such as this among family members is the root of
much conflict, hurt and misunderstandings any time of the year, but
especially during the often stressful holiday season.

Mary’s dilemma is common: she wants to be a nice person and avoid
conflict with family members. But, in doing so, she feels resentment
and other negative emotions when she is overwhelmed or feels others are
taking advantage of her.

Unfortunately, a failure to be direct and emotionally honest with
people we love or care about can have long-reaching negative
consequences. Failure to communicate often sends the wrong message
about you, what you need and how others should respond to you.

The Elephant In The Room

When you have unexpressed feelings towards another, it’s like you are
sitting on a couch with an elephant between you.

Neither wants to acknowledge the elephant, but its existence acts as a
barrier to real communication. Ultimately, the elephant gets in the way
of positive feelings between you and the other person.

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is the art of speaking in a reasonable tone
with good eye contact. It’s based on using “I” messages (as opposed to
“you” or blaming messages) while clearly stating your needs, feelings
and requests.

Assertive communications invite listeners to work toward mutually
satisfactory resolution of problems or conflicts, without assigning
blame or offense.

Assertive versus Offensive

Remember: you won’t offend people if you stick to communicating your
feelings, as opposed to telling others what they should – or should not
– do!

Four Steps to Success

There are four parts to effective assertive communication - Here is the
formula:

I feel ___________ when __________ because ________. I need
___________.

Step 1: “I feel” Start by expressing how you feel about the behavior.
Stick to one of the five or six basic emotions: “I feel… overwhelmed,
angry, hurt,” etc.

Step 2: “When” What specifically bothers you about the behavior or
situation? Examples: “When the family expects me to do this every
year,” “When it is assumed I will do it,” etc.

Step 3: “Because” How does the behavior affect you? Examples: “I feel
pressured to do something I really can’t do this year,” and “It makes
me feel taken advantage of.”

Step 4: “I need” This is the tough part for people like Mary who feel
guilty simply letting others (especially family members) know what
their needs are. “I need” has nothing to do with being selfish.

Instead, it means giving listeners a clear signal of what you want them
to do differently, so they have an opportunity to change. Examples: “I
need for the dinner to be rotated among the family.” “If everyone will
bring a dish, I’ll cook the ham,” and “I need my sisters to come early
and help with the setup.”

Applying the Formula

Does the formula always work? Of course not, but it works a high
percentage of the time and it gives you a better tool to deal with
situations than anger – which rarely achieves the desired results.

If it doesn’t work at first, try different variations using your own
words. And keep at it. People often don’t immediately respond
differently to your words because of previous established communication
patterns.

Always make sure your tone conveys sincerity, clarity, genuineness and
respect toward the other and his or her opinions.