Overcoming PMS: The Perfect Male Syndrome

Many years ago when my children were young I suffered from a strange malady that plagued me and tormented my family. I suffered from PMS: The Perfect Male Syndrome.

I didn't want much in life, just perfection! My idea of happiness was coming home to a completely organized home with not one thing out of place and clean all the time. I wanted my children to get up early each morning the first time they were called, say their prayers, clean their rooms, do their morning chores, bathe, get ready for school, practice piano, eat a healthy breakfast and brush their teeth.

They would always be on time for school. After school they would come home on time, do their afternoon chores, and at 5:30 pm we would all sit down together as a family for a nice home-cooked meal, discussing the interesting things the children learned at school. After dinner the children would all help with the dishes, and immediately, without being asked, begin doing their homework. At 8:00 pm we would all meet for family prayer, without any complaining. When we were done with prayer each of my children would affectionately hug and kiss me goodnight and run off to bed, by 8:30 pm.

Each of my children would grow up and never stray from the straight and narrow. They would be honor students in school, have the most wonderful friends, and always dress conservative and neat and modest. Each of my children would meet and marry a wonderful young man or young woman with a master's degree from a prestigious university.

My marriage would always be wonderful, full of bliss and romance and excitement. My career would finally take off and I would be able to provide for my family all of the wonderful blessings and luxuries and comforts life has to offer. Oh, and my lawn would have no crabgrass.

How do you think I did? Was I happy? Was my family happy?

What I described above I thought would be heaven. But really it was a form of hell. Think about it, trying to force my unrealistic expectations on my family when I couldn't even live up to my own expectations for myself.

Hello, my name is Garold Larson. I'm a recovering perfectionist…Welcome to our meeting today, our 12-Step program for those recovering from PMS: The Perfect Male Syndrome. There is a similar sister malady known as PFS: The Perfect Female Syndrome. I will be talking specifically about PMS because that's what I suffer from, but what I have to say applies to both.

What are the causes of The Perfect Male Syndrome?

Have you ever said to yourself, "I Will Be Happy When…" followed by a long list of conditions? Sometimes we set ourselves up for failure and unhappiness by setting such a high standard for ourselves that it's impossible to reach.

Some of us have read in the Bible "Be ye therefore perfect" and have taken it too literally, forgetting that there has only been one perfect man to walk this earth, and it wasn't you!

What can we do to overcome The Perfect Male Syndrome?

1. Lower your unrealistic standards for yourself

Learn to lower your standards. That may sound contrary to what is usually taught but I believe it can be very liberating to give yourself a break once in a while. I'm not talking about lowering your personal convictions or your personal moral standards - just your unrealistic expectations of yourself.

"If a thing is just barely worth doing then just barely do it" --Richard M. Eyre

"We are not called to be successful in all things, but to be faithful in all things" --Mother Teresa

2. Understand that life was meant to be challenging (deal with it!)

You need to come to terms with the idea that life was meant to be a challenge. There is great purpose to our struggles in life. We grow and learn more as a person during our times of struggle than we do during our times of ease. Ask any couple who have been married for a significant amount of time when their fondest memories are. Invariably they will mention the early days of their marriage when they had to scrimp and save and struggle. Yes, it was difficult, but the striving and working together brought them closer together.

I love this quote by Jenkins Lloyd Jones:

"There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young [men and women] who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear the divorce courts are jammed. …

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed.

"[The fact is] most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. …

"Life is like an old-time rail journey-delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

"The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride" (Jenkins Lloyd Jones, "Big Rock Candy Mountains," Deseret News, 12 June 1973, A4).

3. Reduce and Simplify your life

Sometimes we think that freedom and happiness come from having things. But every definition I've ever seen says that freedom is the absence of things. And does possessing things make us happy? We all can think of many examples of those who have much but are miserable people. So where does happiness come from?

When I was about 12 years old my family lived out in the country in a small town in Arizona. One day I decided to build a fort. I made great plans for my fort and dreamt about all the fun I was going to have with it. I began gathering wood from all over, such as old barns and broken down sheds. I didn't have any nails so I had to save all the old nails from the lumber I gathered and straighten them out with a hammer. My brother helped me and we built a wonderful fort with a door and a window. It even had a tin roof. As we were building the fort we were so excited about all the fun and adventures we were going to have with it.

Finally it was done and we went and sat in my fort. This lasted for oh, maybe an hour before we got bored with it. All the magic had gone out of it once we were done building it. It seems our happiness and excitement came not from owning the fort but in the creation of it. Well, I'm ashamed to say what we ended up doing with it, but there was this 55 gallon drum of diesel fuel out in the back of our property… you can figure out the rest.

4. Stop comparing yourself with others

When you think about each day as we go about our business, how many times do we compare ourselves with others? I mean really, how often do we do it? My guess would be much more than we think. So much of what we do, what we have and who we are, is motivated by the comparisons we make with others.

We compare our possessions, our children, our physical bodies, our cars, our careers and on and on. And isn't it true that we tend to compare our weaknesses with other's strengths? Why do we do this? Well, it's human nature for one thing. We can't seem to be happy if someone else has a little bit more than us, looks a little bit better, drives a better car, makes more money or any number of other things.

Just remember this one thing: now matter how much you have, you can always find someone who has more. No matter how great you look, you can always find someone who looks better. No matter how high you climb the corporate ladder, you can always find someone higher. It's a game you can never win! So stop playing it.

5. Be patient with yourself

If you feel inadequate, like you are not measuring up, you are in good company. Read the life histories of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Mother Theresa, or Michael Jordan. Each of these great people and many others spent a good part of their lives feeling like they were never going to measure up.

Cynics will say "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Well, the road to heaven is also paved with good intentions.

6. Stop worrying about what others think

You wouldn't worry so much about what others thought of you if you understood just how seldom others really thought about you. That's a sobering thought.

Examine your motives for why you do what you do or have what you have. Is it simply to look good in the sight of others? Are we good because we're good or because it looks good to be good?

7. Acknowledge the things you are doing well

Give yourself credit where credit is due. Make a list of all the things you are doing well and give yourself a pat on the back. Look for the good in yourself instead of the bad.

8. Learn to Say "No"

If we count all the balls each of us juggle on a daily basis it can get overwhelming. At the pace we are going is it any wonder when we "drop the ball" from time to time? Is the answer to learn how to juggle more balls? Is it to get a better planner or PDA? Is it to take another time management class so we can do more? NO!

If everyone did every single thing they were told they should be doing they would be at it twenty-four hours a day and still wouldn't get it done. The next time someone tells you that you should do something just tell them, "I'm sorry, I'm all filled up on shoulds today."

Conclusion

As we struggle with The Perfect Male Syndrome or The Perfect Female Syndrome, be encouraged that you don't have to do it all or have it all to be happy and content. Follow the eight suggested tips to overcome this malady that is striking too many of us "ordinary" people.

A line from the play The King and I gives us encouragement in our quest. The King of Siam lay dying on his bed. Anna's son asks her the question, "Was he as good … as he could have been?" Anna answers thoughtfully, "I don't think any man has ever been as good … as he could have been-but this one tried."

Thank you.