Contrary to the stereotypes that men primarily want sexual touching and women mostly want affectionate touching, both forms are equally important for enduring, satisfying relationships. Mate relationships include sexual caresses as well as compassionate and comradely ones.
Contrary to the stereotypes that men primarily want sexual touching and women mostly want affectionate touching, both forms are equally important for enduring, satisfying relationships. Men and women alike crave non-sexual touching. Owing as much to cultural conditioning as to physiological make-up, men are usually more accustomed to intimate touch that is sexual. But once they experience it, men love to be touched in non-sexual ways as well. Such caresses help break through times of low self-esteem, fear, and doubt. With a tender hug or gentle pat, you can give comfort and acceptance and create a strong, loving bond that goes beyond the physical. When touching is only sexual however, you might feel that you are being solicited to perform sexually or that you are valued primarily as a sexual object.
Touch is essential for a good relationship
If you already touch each other frequently, keep doing it. If you don't, begin now-today. You can start simply by bestowing an encouraging squeeze of the shoulder as your partner attends to a household chore, by exchanging a hug as you leave for work, or by sitting side-by-side holding hands and snuggling toes as you watch TV.
Casual, unfocused caresses while you're essentially engaged in some other activity, like watching a movie, can be delightful, but for the most part remember to put conscious attention into your touch. Be completely present. Bring your mind, heart, and soul in. Do not allow yourself to fall into absent-minded habitual strokes that carry no meaning. Are you all there when you embrace your partner? Or is part of you at the office, grocery store, hockey game, or committee meeting? Become fully aware of the messages you give with your rubs, pats, and hugs.
Put conscious attention into your touch
Mate relationships include sexual caresses as well as compassionate and comradely ones. If you don't have sex, then it's a different kind of union-platonic-more akin to friendship than marriage. Mate relationships make sex permissible and safe both physically and emotionally. In a committed relationship sex is elevated. It gains moral force because it becomes not only a source of great physical pleasure but also a key expression of love.
Economists David Blanchflower and Andrew Oswald suggest that the happiest people are those getting the most sex, and that sex has a bigger influence on happiness than money. Their conclusions are based on data from a random sample of 16,000 adult Americans. They claim that "increasing intercourse from once a month to once a week is equivalent to the amount of happiness generated by getting an additional $50,000 in income...and a lasting marriage equates to happiness generated by getting an extra $100,000 each year. Divorce, meanwhile, translates to a happiness depletion of $66,000 annually." Another study by researchers at Georgia State University concludes that involuntarily celibate people "are frequently afflicted with nonhappy feelings-anger, frustration, self-doubt, and even depression."
Excerpted from our new book Sensual Love Secrets for Couples: The Four Freedoms of Body, Mind, Heart and Soul, by Al Link and Pala Copeland, Llewellyn, 2007
4 Freedoms Integration Exercise - Under the Sky
Know that you are part of this wondrous vastness. The universe or cosmos contains everything that exists. The universe is believed to "vibrate" out of "strings." According to Dan Falk, "Each string is as small compared to an atom as an atom is compared to the solar system."
4 Freedoms Integration Exercise - What's Good?
Generally your consciousness works to create more of what you pay attention to. Be careful what you pay attention to because you are going to get more of it.
4 Freedoms Integration Exercise - Seeing in the Dark
This exercise forces you to rely on senses other than sight. You might be amazed at how much you rely on sight for so many things. You might also be amazed at how many things you can do for yourself without being able to see.
