Child support often becomes a contentious issue between divorced parents of minor children. I understand this deeply, having experienced it firsthand. Ideally, the parent responsible for paying child support would do so out of love for their children. Unfortunately, many post-marital relationships are far from ideal. Some parents genuinely cannot afford to pay, while others simply refuse to, often out of resentment towards their former spouse. This leads to bitterness, conflict, and prolonged child support enforcement battles.
Every parent knows the immense financial resources required to provide for their children. Single parents, in particular, often struggle to meet these demands. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2018, only 43.5% of custodial parents received the full amount of child support owed to them (source). I was no different. When I did not receive the agreed-upon child support following my divorce, my reaction was typical but ultimately futile and tragic.
I borrowed money from my grandmother, hired an attorney, and pursued child support with a vengeance. Despite having income deduction orders in place, my former husband was jailed twice for failing to comply with court orders. My anger consumed me, and I justified it by focusing on enforcing his responsibilities. However, I could not control his actions or make him fulfill his obligations. I wasted thousands of borrowed dollars on legal fees that led nowhere, and the issue became a source of immense anguish and hostility between us.
What I am about to say may shock you, but I speak from bitter experience: if the parent refuses to take responsibility, all you can do is focus on fulfilling that need for yourself and your children. When a parent chooses not to do what is right, fair, and just for their child, it is solely their choice. No matter how hard you try, you cannot force another person to fulfill their obligations. Retaliation often follows, as it did in my case.
When I could no longer rely on my grandmother for financial help and continued to enforce child support payment, my ex-husband sued me for custody out of revenge. I did not have the money to hire an attorney to represent me throughout the custody litigation process, and as a result, I was unjustly railroaded and lost primary custody of my children. This loss felt like losing my soul.
My advice to single parents is to maintain open, cordial, and civil communication with your former spouse. Be grateful for whatever they contribute and avoid seeking more, as you risk losing everything. When you depend on another person for your and your children's survival, you remain a victim of dependency. Instead, use your time and energy to better yourself and your finances for your children.
Taking personal responsibility for fulfilling your parental obligations is empowering. It leaves you with a sense of satisfaction and pride in overcoming obstacles. While it may seem unfair that the other parent "gets away" with not fulfilling their responsibilities, they cannot escape their own conscience. If they do not give to their children, they will find their children unwilling to give to them in return when they are grown.
What you sow, you shall reap. Give to your children and do the best you can. Let the other parent "get away" with whatever they choose. In the end, they will find they have lost out on sharing their lives with their children, while you will have your children through your old age.
Hindsight is 20/20. I wasted time, money, and energy chasing after child support, and as a result, I now have bi-weekly visitation rights with the children I gave birth to. Is this fair? No, it is a travesty. I hope to spare you the same injustice and agony. Take whatever your former spouse is willing to give, say thank you, and leave the rest alone.
By understanding these statistics and the personal experiences shared, single parents can better navigate the complexities of child support and focus on what truly matters: the well-being of their children.
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