Coping with Your Abuser

Understanding the Dynamics of Abuse

Abusers often appear invincible due to their manipulative and deceitful nature. They can easily sway systems in their favor, making it challenging for victims to find justice or peace. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking with impacts such as injury, fearfulness, post-traumatic stress disorder, use of victim services, contraction of sexually transmitted diseases, etc. (NCADV).

Deciding Your Path

Before taking any steps, it's crucial to decide whether you want to stay in the relationship or leave. This decision will guide your actions and strategies.

If You Choose to Stay

Five Things to Avoid

1. Never Disagree or Contradict: Avoid direct confrontation.
2. Avoid Intimacy: Do not offer any form of intimacy.
3. Show Awe: Display admiration for what matters to them.
4. Avoid Reality Checks: Do not remind them of the outside world unless it feeds their grandiosity.
5. Protect Their Ego: Avoid comments that could harm their self-image.

Ten Strategies to Make Them Dependent

1. Listen and Agree: Nod along without believing.
2. Offer Unique Value: Provide something they can't get elsewhere.
3. Be Patient and Accommodating: Keep the peace by being overly accommodating.
4. Be Giving: Offer more than you receive.
5. Maintain Independence: Stay emotionally and financially independent.
6. Discreet Infidelity: If they are not interested in sex, discreetly seek it elsewhere.
7. Join or Leave Group Sex: Participate if you don't mind, or leave if you do.
8. Fix Situations, Not Them: Focus on fixing situations, not the person.
9. Help Them Understand: Calmly discuss their condition without accusations.
10. Know Yourself: Understand your reasons for staying and develop strategies to minimize harm.

Insist on Boundaries

• Demand Respect: Insist on predictable and rational behavior.
• Reject Unjust Behavior: Do not tolerate capricious actions.
• Confront When Necessary: React in kind if you can handle the confrontation.
• Never Show Fear: Do not negotiate with bullies.
• Involve Others: Seek help from law enforcement or friends if needed.
• Expose the Abuse: Do not keep it a secret.
• Be Consistent: Stick to your word and be resolute.

Mirror Their Behavior

• Reflect Their Actions: If they rage, rage back. If they threaten, threaten back.
• Use Their Language: Mimic their words and actions to show them a mirror.

Frighten Them

• Identify Vulnerabilities: Use their secrets against them.
• Drop Hints: Let their imagination do the work with vague threats.

Lure Them

• Offer Narcissistic Supply: Use admiration and attention to control them.

Play on Their Fear of Abandonment

• Threaten to Leave: Explicitly or implicitly threaten abandonment.

If You Choose to Leave

Fight in Court

• Expose Their Lies: Contradict their grandiose self-perception.
• Use Facts: Be equipped with authenticated information.
• Trigger Narcissistic Rage: Use their weaknesses against them in legal settings.

If You Have Children

• Understand System Bias: The system often favors the abuser.
• Use Therapy Jargon: Speak the language of therapists to gain their support.
• Avoid Criticism: Do not openly criticize the therapist.

Refuse All Contact

• Minimal Contact: Only maintain court-mandated contact.
• No Gratification: Decline any additional contact.
• No Response: Do not respond to their messages or gifts.
• Professional Mediation: Use lawyers or accountants for necessary interactions.

Conclusion

Coping with an abuser requires careful planning and strategic actions. Whether you choose to stay or leave, it's essential to protect yourself and seek professional help. Remember, you are not alone, and there are resources available to support you.

For more information on domestic violence statistics and support, visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the National Domestic Violence Hotline.