Just How Bad IS That Person You Work For?

The Emotional Intelligence Perspective

Working in the field of Emotional Intelligence, I frequently receive emails about dreadful managers, colleagues, subordinates, and peers. Given that work consumes a significant portion of our lives, a toxic work environment can be a source of chronic stress. Many people ask, "Can I 'fix' this situation by enhancing my Emotional Intelligence?" The answer is "yes," but perhaps not in the way you might expect.

Can You Change a Toxic Manager?

The idea of transforming a nasty person into a nice one using EQ skills like empathy is appealing but complex. While you might improve the situation, the outcome largely depends on several factors. As the saying goes, "A problem you can fix; a fact you just have to live with." Understanding what you're dealing with is crucial.

Factors to Consider

1. Desire for Change: Can you control someone else and make them the way you want them to be? No. Can you change them? Sometimes, if they have the desire to get along.
2. Self-Reflection: Can you change your viewpoint? Always. The key is to identify which personalities are workable and which are not.

Recognizing Narcissistic Rage

Narcissistic rage is a term you should become familiar with. It's a blind, ugly, mindless, and virulent kind of rage. Imagine a typical workplace scenario: your manager, who lacks high EQ, is under stress as a deadline approaches. Suddenly, they explode in a fit of rage, yelling, swearing, or even throwing things.

Applying EQ Skills

Let's say you decide to use your EQ skills. You empathize with the manager, understanding they were under stress. However, you can't tolerate being insulted. After some reflection, you decide to talk it out with the manager. You express how their behavior made you feel and request more respectful treatment.

Possible Outcomes

1. Positive Response: If the manager is reasonable, they might show introspection, remorse, and a desire to improve the situation.
2. Negative Response: If the manager flies into a further rage, you're likely dealing with a true narcissist. Statements like "I know you were under stress" or "It doesn't help me do my best work when I'm called 'an idiot'" can trigger their rage.

The Real Test of Emotional Intelligence

Empathy and communication skills are essential, but other EQ competencies like Personal Power, Intuition, and Reality-testing are equally important.

Personal Power

Recognize that you are not helpless. While you may not be able to change the narcissist, you can take steps to protect yourself:

• Request a Transfer: If possible, ask for a transfer to another department.
• Document Incidents: Keep a record of abusive behavior.
• Prepare Your Resume: Be ready to seek opportunities elsewhere.

Intuition

Your instincts are crucial. If you feel a sinking sensation or other physical signs of fear, trust them. These are your body's way of telling you that the situation is not good.

Reality-Testing

Use your physiological responses to test reality. If a meeting with your manager goes well, you should feel a sense of relief. If not, it's a sign that the person is not approachable at a human level.

When to Seek Coaching

A manager who slips into bad behavior under stress but shows some insight and concern for others might benefit from coaching. They could be overwhelmed or lack EQ skills. However, a manager who shows no remorse or insight is not coachable and is not "fixable" by you.

Protecting Yourself

If you realize you're dealing with a narcissist, take steps to protect yourself:

• Avoid Raising Their Rage: Try not to provoke them further.
• Plan Your Exit: Make plans to move to a healthier work environment.

Conclusion

Understanding and leveraging Emotional Intelligence can help you navigate difficult workplace relationships. However, it's essential to recognize when a situation is beyond repair and take steps to protect your well-being.

Interesting Stats

• Workplace Stress: According to the American Institute of Stress, 83% of U.S. workers suffer from work-related stress, with 25% saying their job is the number one stressor in their lives (source).
• Narcissistic Managers: A study published in the Journal of Business Ethics found that narcissistic leaders are more likely to create toxic work environments, leading to higher employee turnover (source).

By understanding these dynamics and using your EQ skills wisely, you can better navigate the complexities of your work environment and protect your mental health.

This article provides a comprehensive guide to dealing with difficult managers using Emotional Intelligence. For more insights on workplace dynamics, check out Harvard Business Review and Psychology Today.