Should Women Fake It?

Chelsea stormed into my office, frustration etched on her face. "I am so frustrated," she declared, collapsing onto the couch.

"Hello, Chelsea," I greeted her.

Ignoring my greeting, she continued, "No really, Coach, I am."

Chelsea, a successful, attractive, and fit thirty-something lawyer, had been on a quest for a meaningful, long-term relationship. Given her busy lifestyle, I had suggested online dating as an efficient way to meet men who shared her goals and values.

"Please explain," I prompted, sensing her urgency.

"I really did it," she said. "I changed my approach, followed your steps, went online, and found the right guy."

"And...?"

"Well, Ben is wonderful. He's everything I could have hoped for. We have fun together, agree on almost everything, and he's already my best friend. I even waited this time and didn't rush into sex."

She hesitated, and I waited for her to continue.

"That's where the problem comes up, Coach. The sex is not so good. It's terrible because everything else about our relationship is perfect. I can truly see us building a happy life together. I'm thinking maybe I should just fake it. The sex should get better, right? Isn't it okay to fake it for now?"

Chelsea's dilemma is not unique. Many women resort to "faking it" to convince their partners that they enjoy sex when they actually do not. But why do so many women feel the need to pretend?

The Root of the Problem

Societal Pressures and Insecurities

Some women struggle with achieving orgasms and feel insecure about it. This often stems from societal messages that discourage women from exploring their sexuality. From a young age, girls are taught to feel shame and guilt about their sexual desires. As a result, many women must learn to connect with their bodies and understand what turns them on to experience true sexual enjoyment.

Male Misconceptions

Men also contribute to this issue with their own insecurities and misunderstandings about female sexuality. Many men equate their masculinity with their sexual prowess, believing that giving a woman an orgasm is a defining element of manhood. This pressure can lead women to fake orgasms to protect their partner's ego. Some women even report faking orgasms "just to end the incessant pounding."

The Reality of Female Orgasm

It's important for men to understand that not every sexual encounter will result in a woman's orgasm, and that's okay. Not having an orgasm doesn't mean the experience wasn't pleasurable. Relieving this pressure can help women relax and become more receptive, potentially leading to more orgasms. In fact, only about 30% of women can achieve orgasm through intercourse alone, with the majority requiring other forms of stimulation (source).

The Consequences of Faking It

Reinforcing Unwanted Behavior

Faking an orgasm sends the message that what the partner is doing is pleasurable, reinforcing the behavior. This creates a cycle where the partner continues the same actions, believing they are effective. Breaking this cycle can confuse the partner and create doubt, ultimately straining the relationship.

Communication is Key

Sexual dissatisfaction is a leading cause of relationship breakdowns, and the number one reason for sexual dissatisfaction is a lack of communication. Forgoing communication and opting to fake it will only widen the gap between partners and ultimately ruin the relationship.

Building a Healthy Sexual Relationship

Open and Honest Communication

Developing a level of communication that allows for frank and honest discussions about sex is vital. Set ground rules that sex talk is healthy, fun, and not to be taken offensively. Talk during sex, asking questions like "Do you like this?" or "How does this feel?" Be honest with your answers and provide feedback.

Discussing Sex Outside the Bedroom

Talk about sex when you're not having sex. Ask questions, share fantasies, and be willing to explore them within reason. This can build excitement and serve as prolonged foreplay.

Educate Yourselves

Both partners should take the time to learn about sex together. Read books, watch educational videos, and explore new techniques. This shared learning experience can be very sexy and beneficial in the long run.

Conclusion

Ultimately, communication is the key to building a healthy and enjoyable sex life together. Let's do away with the notion that it's wrong or shameful to talk openly about sex. Couples can be intimate with each other, yet feel uncomfortable discussing intimacy. So, talk, learn, teach, and most importantly, have fun!

Interesting Stats

• Only about 30% of women can achieve orgasm through intercourse alone (source).
• Sexual dissatisfaction is a leading cause of relationship breakdowns (source).
• Lack of communication is the number one reason for sexual dissatisfaction (source).

By fostering open communication and mutual understanding, couples can create a fulfilling and satisfying sexual relationship.