Why Some Women Feel Desperate

The Struggles of Widower Dave

I recently asked Dave how he was coping since the anniversary of his wife’s passing. He sighed, "It's tough, but what's even worse is that women won't leave me alone! I don't want to hurt their feelings, but they keep calling me, and I can't even have peace in my own home."

Dave's experience highlights a common issue among women aged 55 and older who feel an intense need for a man in their lives to feel complete. Ironically, this desperation often drives men away, achieving the opposite of their intent.

The Impact of Perceptual Styles

Our reactions to people are influenced by our perceptual styles: Audio, Visual, Feeler, and Wholistic. Desperation can cloud these perceptions, making us see what we want to see rather than what is. Statements like "I just know I'm perfect for him" or "I know he's interested in me" are common, leading to a loss of objectivity.

Audio Perception

When people with an Audio perception style are reactive, they often harbor an undercurrent of anger. Maintaining personal control is crucial for them. Their fears include:

• Fear of life being out of control: "With you in my life, I can be back in control again."
• Fear of losing face and not being respected: Ironically, being pushy or confrontational often leads to a loss of respect.
• Fear of not being lovable: Speaking one's mind in a confrontational tone can be off-putting to some men.

Remedy for Audios: Lighten up and be sensitive to his feelings. Allow him to pursue you rather than badgering him. If he doesn’t call or ask you out, as Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo suggest in their bestseller "He's Just Not That Into You", it might be time to move on.

Feeler Perception

Feelers, when reactive, become indignant and feel sorry for themselves. They are caring but often set up unspoken expectations fueled by their fears:

• Fear of not being appreciated: "You didn’t say thank you"—an expectation placed on him even though he didn’t ask for the help.
• Fear of not being liked or loved: Giving and receiving love is a top priority.
• Fear of making a mistake: Difficulty saying no to requests, making them easy targets for manipulative men.
• Fear of getting hurt: Wanting to feel secure in a loving relationship.

Remedy for Feelers: Realize that unsolicited help might be seen as interference. Become your own best friend rather than looking for a man to rescue you. Men enjoy being with someone who is interesting and enthusiastic about life.

Visual Perception

Visuals, when reactive, become frustrated and depressed. Their biggest trap is perfectionism, driven by fears such as:

• Fear of not living up to high standards: "If we work at it, we can be the perfect couple."
• Fear of running out of time: "The older I get, the fewer men there are to make this happen."
• Fear of the unknown: Wanting to feel secure about the future.

Remedy for Visuals: Let go of perfectionism. Accept yourself as you are and find ways to make your life fulfilling without a man. This will help you avoid appearing desperate.

Wholistic Perception

Wholistics, when reactive, become resentful and blame others for their discontent. Their fears include:

• Fear of not being valued: "I know you could love me if you’d just give me a chance!"
• Fear of failure: A sense of mission and destiny for excellence can lead to disillusionment.
• Fear of restrictions: "I can’t make a commitment—I want to be free to go with the flow."

Remedy for Wholistics: Avoid settling for less due to disillusionment. Strive for excellence in other areas of life, whether it's being a wonderful grandmother, writing a book, or pursuing long-held dreams.

Finding Balance and Self-Fulfillment

When you stop actively seeking a man, you are more likely to find one. Whether through a dating service or other means, if he doesn’t respond to your messages, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

Be yourself. The "Red Hat Society" has grown into hundreds of groups because they are women enjoying life and being themselves. Remember Dave’s plea: "I wish the women would leave me alone!"

Interesting Stats

• Loneliness Among Older Adults: According to a study by the National Institute on Aging, 28% of older adults in the U.S. live alone, and loneliness can have significant health impacts, including increased risk of heart disease and cognitive decline (source).
• Marriage Rates: The U.S. Census Bureau reports that the marriage rate for women aged 55 and older has declined over the past few decades, with only 48% of women in this age group being married in 2020 (source).

By understanding these dynamics and working on self-fulfillment, women can lead happier, more balanced lives without the desperation that drives potential partners away.