The Art of Mediocre Writing

The Internet and Writing Quality

Once upon a time, a clever netizen compiled a list of indicators that you're not spending enough time on the internet. One of the telltale signs was that poor spelling and grammar still irked you. Quite amusing, isn't it?

Regrettably, there's no online grammar patrol, just us, conscientiously dotting our "i"s and crossing our "t"s. As an aspiring internet entrepreneur, you're investing the time to do it correctly, aren't you?

As Virginia Shea, the author of the online book Netiquette, astutely observed, "On the Web, you won't be judged by the color of your skin, eyes or hair, your weight, your age, or your clothing. You will, however, be judged by the quality of your writing."

Perhaps people these days aren't as particular about perfect speech and writing as they used to be. Whether that's acceptable or not is a matter of debate. But if you sacrifice coherence, it's going to cost you financially, and that's non-negotiable, isn't it?

Guidelines for Mediocre Writing

For those of you who are overwhelmed with clients and flush with cash, here are some tongue-in-cheek guidelines on how to write for mediocrity:

• Never use the spell check function or have someone else proofread your text before publishing it. That would be a horrendous waste of time and serves no purpose.

• If your content lacks value, don't fret. Just use fancy fonts, busy backgrounds, and numerous flashing banners. Your visitors will be so distracted they won't notice your lack of substance.

• If you're quoting someone, don't bother to get their permission or spell their name correctly. Why? Refer to rule #1.

• Exclamation marks are your best friend!!! Your readers will undoubtedly be taken aback by this novel approach and will feel compelled to act immediately (!!!).

• Don't shy away from large blocks of text. Readers will see that dense copy and think: "Great, I was running out of things to read!"

• Bury your lead. This is a classic journalism trick used by journalists who couldn't remember the point of their story. This delightful writing style requires your readers to sift through a mountain of details before reaching the "gold nugget". Internet users are patient creatures with nowhere else to go, so feel free to ramble aimlessly.

• If you want your readers to take a specific action such as ordering a product or clicking a link, don't state that outright. Subtlety is key. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they'll know what they're supposed to do.

• Tone is crucial. You never want your readers to suspect that a real person is behind their words or, even worse, behind their product. Pretend you're a robot, and the writing will flow much more easily.

• Consistently use an abundance of large words, even where a smaller group of characters would suffice. This strategy, used successfully by lawyers, will convince your humble readers that you are infinitely smarter than they are, and they will purchase your product or service out of sheer gratitude.

By adhering to these guidelines, you'll be contributing to a future where the entire web is a syntax-free zone, and professional writers (like myself) spend our days fishing cigarette butts out of bus station ashtrays.

Netiquette by Virginia Shea is a great resource for understanding the nuances of online communication.