Bullying and the Codependent Part III: “The Smelly Turd in the Pretty Package”

Even though it is interesting to note that recent reports state female workplace bullying is on the increase, causing more people to say they would rather work for a man, we are going to stay focused on the female family serial bully.

I believe bullies know they are bullying. I believe you don’t wake up one morning as a competent bully. I think you learn bullying over time and by attending “mean girl school.” (I am not sure what “mean girl school” means, but I imagine it is a combination of watching other bullies, having been bullied and deciding to retaliate by bullying others.)

If you are bullying in the workplace, there is a good chance you are using your bullying tactics in your family life. Bullies feel weak, powerless, and bullying is a practice which mistakenly allows the bully to think she is powerful and in control.

Bullying is cowardly, so feeling powerful by taking a cowardly action is puzzling. I’d like to spend some time discussing a bullying action vs a healthy action. We all know a bully’s first line of defense is denial and attack – “I don’t know what you are talking about, the victim is too sensitive” – so let’s tackle that line.

Power and Authority – Healthy

If I have power and authority in a situation, it is my ethical and moral responsibility to look out for everyone’s well-being. Actions I can take include checking in with everyone regularly, setting up guidelines for the best well-being for the majority, looking out for the best interest of the group where I have power and authority.

Since we are talking about a family and not a large organization, this is a pretty easy assignment. I can easily schedule regular meetings with the family. When there is a significant happy event, I make sure everyone is notified, I check to see if everyone can attend, I help to clear the obstacles that might interfere with his/her attendance, and make sure the operating principle is inclusion. I don’t withhold information, I don’t speak about some family members to other family members behind their back. Inclusion, love, confidence and kindness are guiding principles for me since I have power and authority.

If a family member has a challenging event such as a health crisis, I operate with the same principles. With permission, I let everyone know about the event and what the requests is (i.e. please come to the hospital for the surgery). If someone cannot attend, this decision is respected. I make every effort to support and have the family support the person during the crisis. This behavior seems pretty simple and dignified to me, so why doesn’t it always happen?

Enter a female family bully and here are some of the scenarios reported to me. Rather than see a crisis/event as an opportunity to bring the family together, the bully will use it to hurt victims. 

Continue reading HERE.