When you are feeling angry at someone, what do you do? Do you know how ... your feelings in ways that are clear and ... Many ... For that reason, one of two things happens: they h
When you are feeling angry at someone, what do you do? Do you know how to
express your feelings in ways that are clear and assertive? Many folks
don't. For that reason, one of two things happens: they hold the anger in,
and, as we all know, it sneaks out in strange and often inappropriate ways,
or, they explode and scatter their unhappiness over everyone, perhaps,
destroying relationships on the way! Neither of these are healthy
alternatives.
Anger is an arousal in the body that is triggered by frustration, fear or
hurt. As that arousal escalates, your body goes into the stress response.
When that arousal raises your heart rate to about 120 to 150 beats per
minute, the blood from the frontal lobes of your brain, the centers of
reason and logic, drains down to protect your vital organs. This is not good
news. Why? Because the more angry you become, the more unable you are to
think clearly! You have probably experienced that. Just when you are at your
loudest, wanting to deal the death blow to prove your righteous position,
you cannot think. Then, you often say one of the best things you'll ever
regret! Right?
When the body goes into arousal, notice. If you are talking to someone at
the time, think. It is important to your well-being and the health of your
relationships to answer this question: What do I want from this exchange? If
a potentially volatile volley of words, accusations, and threats are likely
to erupt, leave. No, this is not "running away from a fight". This is just
informed decision-making. There is one important difference, though: tell
the person that you are leaving and when you will return to discuss the
issue. This is the difference between being responsible and being a
"hit-and-run" offender. Take care of the relationship. Do not abandon the
other person. Simply say, "I'm too angry now and I'm likely to say things I
don't mean. I'll be back in three hours and let's discuss this then. If it
is in the work setting, acknowledge your desire to work out the issue, and
promise to get back to them within three hours to set a time to talk
further. This is not easy, but it is effective!
Why three hours or more? Simple. It takes a full ninety minutes for the
blood to return to your centers of reason and logic and your heart beat to
return to normal. It makes good sense to wait and it demonstrates that you
care about yourself AND the relationship.
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