Can I Get A Witness?

"Can I Get a Witness?"

Recently, via email, I was chased, shoved to the ground, then handcuffed (at least, it felt that way) in an effort to "entice" me to join a mass associate hird party mail-out. The "mail-out," was supposedly "piggy-backing" onto another mail-out campaign that was going out to 1 million email addresses (never had any clarity on whether or not it was strictly opt-in).

Now, even though this scheme quickly began to resemble East LA, I took the plunge anyway. The result? Nothing! Nil! Zilch! Dada! Nada! Nein! (did I cover all civilized expressive languages)?

Oh sure, I did the math! And, from where I sat, it looked GREAT! I was even counting down the days until the morning I would pop on the old monitor to see my email so flooded with "Requests For More Info!" in the subject line, that my auto responder service would call me up, begging on hands and knees, "Kenny! Please! Make 'em stop! We can't keep this up! Our servers can't handle it!"

Yes, visions of sugar plums wrapped in fresh greenbacks ("dead presidents" if you're underground) danced merrily through my head. I was SURE that it was only a matter of time before I would be submitting exorbitant invoice sums to both Bill Gates and Ted Turner for compensation in exchange for my invaluable financial advice. Heck, I could even make the covers of Time, Newsweek, U.S. News, and many more as "Man of the Year!" Alas, it was not to be.

What I am attempting to convey is that I lost money and got scr-, uh, messed over. Now, I'm no marketing "newbie." In fact, I was marketing for over 15 years offline prior to going online. And, I've been marketing on the Internet for quite some time now. But, temptation has a way of getting to all of us at some point. They say everyone has his or her price (and, mine was that dang pressing house payment).

Folks, in a "Jim Dandy honesty tradition," I must admit that I bit the dust. Whenever you are approached with a similar "offer you can't refuse," my advice is to run like he-, uh, for cover. Leave the mass emailers alone! They will only cause you heartache. You will only end up shedding buckets of tears (I'm so thankful you can't see me type this through tear-soaked eyes). (sniff, sniff)

Now, after saying all that, I will also be the first to go on record to say that I have found MOST people on the Internet to be extremely honest and helpful. And, that's just the plain truth.

But, in any arena, you will find the unscrupulous few that make it not only difficult for the most, but appear to be the majority. Online, however, THEY find YOU. Yes, one bad apple can "appear" to spoil the whole bunch.

The names of the perpetrators have been purposely omitted to protect their not-so-innocence. I've attempted to contact the "middleman" on several occasions with "Show Me The Money" in my subject line (don't you just love fad slang)? No response has been forthcoming NOW, I'm getting about as much attention and respect as a Texas prisoner in solitary confinement ("Ma, did the neighbors move?").

Once again, if you are willing to admit that this type of incident has, indeed, happened to you as well, and what your feelings are on it, "Can I Get A Witness?" A simple Amen will suffice. Now, if I can only find that other box of Kleenex. (sniff, sniff)

P.S. I still have a small problem though. My Uncle Guido has now threatened to break both my kneecaps, as well as both elbows for squandering a significant portion of the family fortune on this well-meaning venture (gives new meaning to "tough" love).

Now, you and I both know what comes next. As such, please forward all cards, flowers, letters of sympathy, but most importantly, funeral expense contributions to kenny@kennylove.net. In advance, thanks for your support. I'm gonna need it...Uncle Guido is partial to a specially designed 35" DeMarini! Ouch! (sniff, sniff)