The Buck Stops Here

We need a coach to hold us accountable. Who is responsible for making the choices in my life? I am! Sometimes I'm listening to a client and I hear about what someone is "doing to her", and what she's being "forced to do", or how someone is "making her feel."

I want to be clear. People don't do things to us; people do things for themselves. People don't set out thinking, "Today I'm going to make someone miserable. I'm going to create some distrust, and I think I'll make someone feel devalued. Yep, that should be a good day's work!"

When things happen to us, we need to think, "It is what it is." Not like it's good or bad. Not like it's right or wrong. Just that it is what it is, and how will I respond? Because I choose how I respond.

That's a little provocative, huh? Well, I'll be bold and say it again. I choose how I respond. I choose to get angry. I choose to be offended. I choose to be disappointed. And I choose to be supportive, generous, forgiving, understanding. I choose to be happy. Nobody "makes me feel" anything! I choose it! And I can un-choose it! (I'm sure that's not a word, but it's exactly what I mean!)

We make the best choice with the information we have, and we can make another choice with new information. The danger zone lies in where we get that information. If it comes from our internal conversation, the little voice in our head that tells us wild, imagined stories about how something is going down, it could be a lie!

So a coach will help me to hear the truth. A coach will ask me the right questions, and reframe my experience to something closer to reality, rather than my imagined experience. A coach will help me get naked with my responses, and not allow me to hide in my rationalizations. Do you know how I spell rationalize? "Rational lies." Because they sound awfully good, but they're totally self-serving designed to get me off the hook. Thank goodness for my coach, who won't let me get away with that stuff!

Talking regularly with a coach helps to keep us on course with our goals and the work we're doing to self-discover and transform. This regular contact is essential. It's easy to get a little bit off track if we're not checking in, by the time we realize it we can be so far off that it could take weeks to get back on our path.

I like to describe the journey of coach and client as like traveling down the garden path.

You could travel down the path on your own. You're not really sure of the way, and you could take a few wrong turns and have to retrace your steps, and at times you'll make choices as to which fork in the road to take, and ultimately you will arrive at a destination. It may or may not be the one you expected, but it will definitely be the one you chose. I call this the Road of Self Discovery.

You could have a coach who tied you up and bundled you off to your destination, or one that dragged you, kicking and screaming, into your future. You'd get someplace, and even if it was your place of choice, the fact that you were dragged against your will creates resistance to success, and the chances are you will return to your original state.

Or you could have a coach who guides you down the path directing, sometimes leading, always supporting. Take two steps here; watch out for that rock guiding you while you do all the moving toward your goal.

And this coach is also your biggest fan. "Hey, you can do it. I believe in you! Keep going!" Being the best you can be may not be enough, you may need some teaching and coaching to get you there.

A basketball coach doesn't just tell you what you're doing right; he also puts you through some drills to work on skills, and continually goes through the basics. The role of a business or life coach is to do the same thing - identify areas for growth and take you through activities to help you get results. It is with a coach that you are held accountable and that the buck stops here!