Dating Myths

As a dating coach, a lot of people come to me frustrated.  They have tried everything.  They are a good people. They have good careers.  They are good friends, sons, daughters, brothers or sisters.  But, as far as their dating lives, they are alone and sick of it.  They look at me and say, “Aren’t I supposed to find the love of my life?  Aren’t I entitled to a little happiness?”  Many times it is hard for them to hear, but I have to look at them and say, “No.”

Something happens from the time when we are kids to adults.  We learn that if we want to be successful at a career, buy a house, save for retirement or achieve any major milestone in life we have to work for it.  Yet, when I talk to people about finding “the one,” they want it to happen naturally. Organically. They will “know it when they see it.”

I don’t want to burst any bubbles, but no one is entitled to happiness.  Nor is anyone entitled to a wonderful relationship.  People have to work for it just like their careers or any of the other relationships in our lives like friendships or family.  When you feel you are entitled to something you stop working for it and sit around and wait for it to happen for you.

The good news is everyone can have a healthy and balanced relationship; the hard news is that you have to work for it just like other areas of your life. You’ll have to take chances, step outside your comfort zone, explore, open up and go against your natural human instinct to wait for the movie “meetcute” moment.  Want to stack the odds in your favor?  Do the homework.  Figure out where you are, who is a good match for you and be aware of how you are presenting yourself.

Here are a few other common dating myths you need to consider.

MYTH: It is impossible to meet other quality singles if you are over 25

This is my favorite of the dating myths and the one I hear most often.  I am not in denial that being single after you are college age definitely presents a whole new bunch of challenges, but that hardly makes it impossible.  Just maybe a little uncomfortable.

Many people make the mistake of putting all their eggs in one basket. There is not one perfect place to meet the right person. You do not know if the messenger who will facilitate your "match" is your best friend, the organizers of a weekend, your co-worker, your work-out buddy or your handyman. By taking advantage of many opportunities-networking events, parties, sports events, classes, etc-you increase the possibility of meeting the right person.  By realizing that singles are EVERYWHERE and not just at the bar on Saturday nights or online, you increase your odds.  So put down your Blackberry and when you are in line for coffee say hello to the person next to you.  You never know what will happen or who they may know.

MYTH: Men are intimidated by successful and intelligent women

You are right.  Some men are intimidated by successful and intelligent women. They probably are not the right guys for you.  No one is right for everyone.  But what I find is a more common scenario is that when a man meets a confident and independent woman, it may look like she does not have room in her life for him.  If she already has everything figured out, where does he fit?  No man I know is going to take the time to understand how he can squeeze himself into her schedule and life.  I know it is a fine line, but figure out how to be your fantastic confident self and able to express that there is room for a great person.

MYTH: The third-date rule

Dating isn’t about rules or games.  It is about smart decisions that protect your body and heart. Jumping into a sex too quickly confuses chemistry with compatibility.  Excited about the chemistry, it is easy to miss the red flags that alert you when someone isn’t a good match.  All of a sudden you are in a relationship and realize you don’t really even like the person, and at that point it is sticky to get out and feelings get hurt.  Here is the one rule to follow.  If you don’t feel comfortable talking about if you are dating and are exclusive, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

Here is the honest truth.  Love is going to happen, when it happens.  There is no way to control it or force it.  It doesn’t even matter how desperately you want it.  What does matter is that you continue to take care of yourself and work on creating your life to be the type of person that you would want to date.  So, stop comparing yourself to everyone you know.  You may be 35 and still single, while all of your friends have significant others.  However, they may be envious of you and dream of the days when they were free to experience the world—despite telling you otherwise.  So get out there, take chances, step outside your comfort zone, explore, open up and create your own relationship success story and kick those myths to the curb.