You’ve Been Warned!!

Have you ever been on a first date wishing you had a crystal ball to see into the future? To see if there would be a second date? Or a third?  Would they like your dog?   Would your parents like this person?  Could a relationship form?  Does the person have the potential to be “the one”? 

“Love is blind” is quote I believe in whole-heartedly, but in a little different way than most.  I find most people blindly look for love hoping to “bump” into the right person.  They look for the connection and attraction.  That’s all fine and good, but it’s not the stuff healthy relationships are made of.  It is great if you have chemistry and both like Kevin Smith movies, but if you aren’t aware of the all the other important stuff – core values, beliefs, deal breakers, etc. – you are probably going to wake up one day realizing that you wasted your time.

I am not the dating fairy who can sprinkle magic dust and show you five, ten or 25 years down the line.  But, by keeping your eyes open, you’d be surprised how much you can really learn about a person without spending the next six months wading around in a questionable relationship.  In fact, with a little know-how, you can learn a lot on the first date!  Here are red flags you can watch for in the first date to realize if a person has real dating potential.

1.  Debbie or Denny Downer Syndrome – They are a great person but just have been dealt a “bad hand,” so to speak.  They work so hard at their job, yet no one notices or appreciates them.  Life is always so tough. 

I am getting depressed just writing this.  We all know at least a few of these people – the constant victims in their own life.  The people that never get a break.  Listen, we all have bad days and bad situations. But, someone who is truly suffering from the “downer syndrome” is probably making choices that are keeping them unhappy.  Not only will their negativity rub off on you, it is exhausting spending all of YOUR time listening to their problems and telling them it will get better soon.  My guess is if they can’t figure out how to solve these problems, they aren’t going to offer much to a healthy relationship (much less to you, when you have an occasional bad day).

2.  The Overachievers – These people love their job. When they aren’t putting in 80 hours a week, they’re working just as hard on a side business or project.  They purchase houses to flip in between training three hours a day for a marathon next month.  In fact, it takes them two weeks just to schedule a date. 

Hey, don’t get me wrong.  I love ambitious people and would like to think I am one of them, but there is a point that you need to wave your arms and say, “Excuse me, but where would I fit in?”   It is great that they have so many wonderful things in their lives; but maybe they have simply decided not to make relationships one of them.  Healthy relationships are for real people who have balance in their life.  It is very important that your date has a life, friends, goals and passions. But, if this person doesn’t have time for dating, he or she isn’t going to have time for you and a real relationship.

3.  Anger Management Needed - When I was in high school I worked at local tourist attraction. I still remember the day a man absolutely freaked out on me for no apparent reason.  He started screaming and swearing and demanded I take him to the exit.  When we came to the exit, he decided to scream at someone who actually had authority. His wife then came over and apologized to me.  I looked at her and said very politely, “No Ma’am, I feel sorry for you, because if he acts like that to a stranger, then how does he treat you?” 

I know, I was cheeky even at 17.  This is a classic red flag ignored time and time again.  If she is yelling at the waiter that the fish just isn’t right, or if he is rude to coffee shop employee, you can safely peek into what the future might be like. Unless you want to be that person who is constantly apologizing for your spouse for their rude behavior, run – don’t walk – in the other direction.

4.   Ex Trash Talker – She was absolutely crazy.  He was a total jerk.  Ok, I am giving them the benefit of the doubt that it might even be true, but if they chose to date for three years – heck, even six months – that was pretty much a choice.  In fact, if the ex was so bad, why did they even start dating anyway?  As my Grandma always said, it takes two to tango. If they let that person into their life and then stuck around for it, something just ain’t right. 

5.    Shifty eyes – Even before my life as a dating coach, I always thought it was a little odd when people never made eye contact.  Now that I have studied body language, I realize just how important it is to building a connection.  I know that people can get nervous, but if you are with someone who just can’t make eye contact, there could be lots of reasons.  Many people think shifty eyes means people are lying, which can be true.  The one thing it does mean, however, is that they are not comfortable in their own skin.  Something that is pretty important if you are looking to create something great. 

These are some pretty good rules to follow but, more importantly, if you notice that you keep getting that feeling of disappointment or find yourself feeling a little uncomfortable about some of the things your date is saying, listen to it.  That is your body being your very own dating coach for free.