Why do we treat true love wrong?

How and when do we learn to love?

It is our parents who teach us love in childhood. If they love us, accept, satisfy our needs but at the same time allow us to grow independent and mature, then we form the core of the personality – the "self" of our consciousness. We learn to build contact with another person, can accept them the way they are, and become interested in them in all their diversity. We understand that a relationship means not only to be trapped in the biological mechanism – sexual desire or passion - but also to show interest in the person, their inner world, as well as support and perceive all their flaws without imposing our expectations on them.

If, at the same time, we stumble upon the otherness of the partner, we will not take this as an insult and will not begin to make them the better version of what we think they may be. In mature couples, such relationships are mutual: both partners remain themselves, but at the same time, each of them is interested in the other.

Many take a flaming passion for love…

For example, when you get the girl you never could, you may stay in this relationship, deceiving yourself that this passion is love, but as soon as it passes, you will feel that you were wrong. Lost love relationships begin with a physiological passion. But when we cease being so absorbed in feelings, it may hit us home that we are not aware of what kind of person is nearby. We simply revel in ourselves and our feelings. After a couple of years, the concentration of hormones decreases, and the partners either begin to study each other, or they are drawn to new bright emotions like a drug.

It’s very difficult to allow yourself to open up before another person, become interested in their world but not to dissolve in them or lose yourself. Because if you are not ready to meet the person with all their flaws, you will be always dissatisfied with your partners, seek new experiences to fill the void inside you, and jump from one romance into another. That is why only being self-sufficient, independent, and free, you can truly love another person.

What happens when the storm of feelings ends?

The concentration of hormones in the blood decreases sharply, and we begin to see a person with all their drawbacks; in fact, we see what the real person is like. When the blindfold is off, you get to realize who you have been living with, and this truth is so scary that it knocks some people off the wagon. Therefore, very often, two years after meeting, people either diverge or get married. When partners begin to live together, they are so close to each other that there is no place where to hide the real selves. In case partners have idealized their significant other when the feelings fade and the understanding of the state of things come, it forces them to reconsider the relationship in general. If the person doesn't know that true love withstands all crises and gives up, such an individual chooses to break up with their beloved instead of fighting for mutual happiness.

Partners should study each other, adapt, and create their own world. Otherwise, they are unable to build long-term relationships. Faced with reality, you need to do something - overcome your frustration, part with illusions, allow yourself to be happy, or rather scatter in different directions. The main thing is to understand that if we expect that true love is living together and having not a single conflict, not a single intense conversation, not a single quarrel, this is a utopia. 

What does true love look like?

There is no “he,” there is “she,” and there is “we.” Two people connected by respect, care, and sympathy towards each other. Everyone has something of their own, while they like to be together, they have common things, hobbies, they like to talk with each other, they’re not bored, they can agree on important issues (but this does not mean that they have to agree with each other in everything). People who feel well apart are good together.

What does true love require?

Be honest with yourself and your partner, open before another person, ready to accept all the deepest emotions they have inside them too. Adequately assessing your partner is highly important: love relationships are a process that needs a lot of work; it’s not something that falls on us just like that. Of course, love feels easy and pleasant; it is a fascinating journey into the world of another person, it is like life because you should work on improving yourself, and not impose your expectations on another person. Love requires spiritual work, as well as courage: not everyone has the inner strength to take develop passion into love.