If you are one of those divorced parents who thinks it's just jolly good fun to punish your ex every chance you get, consider if this is beneficial for the children. Surely they cannot benefit by learning spitefulness, stubbornness, manipulation, alienation of affection, and putting down the new Mrs. Wonderful. Surely you'd want better for your children.
If you find your self among the population category "Divorced," do you also find yourself doing devious things to punish your divorce? Are you inflexible regarding scheduling to keep his time with the kids at a minimum? Do you choose old ratty clothing to pack because you know it will anger him? Do you keep the kids away from events you told him they would attend? Do you encourage your kids to disrespect his new partner? I cannot imagine how you think this could possibly benefit the children.
Some people would say your Inner Child is in control doing all these things. I would say that your inner child is a bit of a brat and needs to grow up. I'm going to discuss several ways this punishment might be happening and some ideas about quitting it. Please recall that regardless of the fact that you might not have wanted this divorce yourself, your children certainly did not. I know of no children who were happy about their parents splitting up. So now, you've got to put their needs first and give up on your grousing.
1. SPITEFULNESS. This attitude shows malicious ill will and a desire to hurt. It also shows that you're terribly hurt and you want them to know how much you are hurting. I'd like to suggest that spitefulness really isn't making anyone feel any bit better for it: you don't feel better; your ex doesn't feel better (or understand your hurt); and the children are uncomfortable around you when you do it. Basically, when you use spite, you hurt yourself and your children even more! I'd recommend that when you want to do something spiteful, you ask yourself "What good can come to me or my children from this?" If nothing good comes from it, for heaven's sake, stop it. Try using words to express how hurt you are.
2. REFUSING TO MAKE CHANGES. The court has set up the custody agreement. This is IT and there IS NO DEVIATING! Really? Never? Come on now - there are always circumstances where plans have to be changed. Flexibility is a good thing. Reasonableness is a good thing. Cooperation is a good thing. I realize that there might be times when your ex simply doesn't want to hold up his end of the bargain and expects you to always be the one to change. I also know that you know the difference between that circumstance and a real reason to change. Be generous. Your kids will appreciate it.
3. ENCOURAGING YOUR KIDS TO PUNISH. Our children are brilliant - all of them. They know exactly how to get inside of us, how to get on our good side, how to get what they want. If you (God forbid) have told them about how you'd like to punish their mother for her evil ways, and they begin to do it for you through stubbornness, bad mouthing, refusal, etc, you lose! You've taught them that it's okay to be vindictive and mean. Is this really how you'd like your kids to turn out? If you see them do this punishing, have a chat with them and discourage this behavior.
4. ALIENATION OF AFFECTION. Were you the dumper or the dumpee? If you were the dumpee, I'd hazard a guess that you have lost all feelings of affection toward your ex spouse, and now, you'd really like to make her feel the same way you do, so you withhold all affection from her. Am I right? On the law books, old divorces used to be justified because of alienation of affection - one of you was taken out of the marriage contract by a third other. Look. Let's not make this about blame. Let's not return malice with vindication. It's okay to acknowledge your hurt over being dumped. I have a question for you? Just how long do you intend to continue to foster this hurt? That recalls to mind the story of the man who crawled across the desert dying of thirst. "I'm so thirsty. I'm so thirsty" he wailed. He came to an oasis and drank. As he crawled out the other side of the oasis, he wailed "I was so thirsty. I was so thirsty." Like that.
5. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER: You are so angry your ex left you and took up with "her." I have a friend who, knowing what a sap her husband makes out of women, calls the new woman "True Love." So, because you're so angry at him, you tell your kids that you are their mommy and they don't have to listen to her. Well, of course they do. If they go to their dad's home and she lives with him, it's her home too and she's got a right to establish reasonable boundaries. (Unreasonable boundaries is not the subject of this paragraph.) Loving kindness begets loving kindness and isn't this what you'd like your children to experience? Try sitting down the three of you together (you, him, and True Love) and work out something that is beneficial for your children. Children are wrenched apart with adult squabbling, so quit it.
Affordable Support for Divorcees: Virtual Recovery Communities
The aftermath of a divorce can be a tumultuous time, filled with self-doubt and fear. However, many individuals who have gone through this process have found it to be a catalyst for positive change, leading them to discover their true selves and even find their soul mates. Virtual recovery communities can provide invaluable support during this challenging period.
Can Mediation Work For You In Lieu Of Divorce
If you are about to get a divorce, I want you let you know that mediation might be a great alternative to that divorce for you. You won't have to hire an attorney and the outcome can be just as effective.
Understanding Your Divorce ' Use a Journal
Divorce emotions are hard enough one time, so you want to do everything you can not to repeat the same mistakes. Even if it looks like your ex is the one who made mistakes, it did take two to tango. If you journal about the divorce, you will discover your role and not make the same mistake twice.
